Epistles of a Fragmented Friendship
by Ocean of Ashes
Summary: Letters that pass between Ray and Neela following the accident. AU in terms of season 14 timeframe but in terms of content isn't too contradictory.
1. 27th May  Chicago

Disclaimer: All characters and material related to the ER belongs to NBC, the writers and all others associated with it.

Author's Note: This is one of those ideas that just won't go away, no matter how hard I try to banish it to a point in the future where I have the time to write it. So here you go, it will be a series of letters between Ray and Neela after the accident. How far I take it kind of depends of how much time and inspiration I have on it, but please let me know what you think. (With regards to the date on the letter, I can't remember exactly when the wedding was, and Ray's subsequent departure, but assume the letter is, as is stated, roughly a fortnight after that – if anyone knows what date that is likely to be, and feels strongly enough about it to tell me, then please feel free!)

_Chicago_

_27th__ May 2007 _

_Dear Ray_

_I'm sorry it's taken me a couple of weeks to write to you, I wanted to let you settle in and get your head around being back at home before bombarding you with correspondence. Also, I had to dig out your mum's address, which took me a while – you know how messy I can be. _

_I… I hope you're reading this letter Ray, although I understand completely if it's already scrunched into a ball and thrown in the bin. I'm sitting here, looking out of the window (I'm staying with Abby and Joe at Luka's at the moment – Luka's father is ill and he's gone to Croatia for a while and Abby asked if I wouldn't mind staying with her) with the pen hovering over the page, and I've suddenly realised I don't have the slightest clue what to say to you. There's already three failed drafts in the wastepaper basket – well, near the wastepaper basket; I'm not much of a shot. I don't think there _are _any words for what I've done to you. All I can say is I'm so, so sorry about the accident. If I hadn't called you just then or if I had gone after you when you left the party or if I had had the balls to face up to everything that was going on when you wanted me to, then none of this would have happened. I'm sure it's no consolation to you at all, but I will never, ever forgive myself for that. _

_When I look back, there are so many things I wish I had said, and done, and not said, and not done. There were a million little moments between us that if I could change, I would. God, if only… Most of all, I wish I hadn't been such a bloody coward – if only I had been braver, more sure of myself then… Well, there's a lot more to say, but I want to know for sure you're reading this before I say anything else. _

_Listen to me; I think every sentence in that paragraph had the word "I" in it about a dozen times. Please tell me about you. Greg said he had spoken to you and you're going to the hospital every day for PT. What does it involve? You know what us surgeons are like, we don't have the slightest clue what goes on after we put the stitches in. Well, okay, we do a bit, but I would be really interested to hear how things are going. I've sort of got a bit of time on my hands right now, and there's only so many cheap novels a girl can read. _

_I'm trying really hard to keep this letter light. I don't know why, as there's nothing light about all this, but I can't help but look back at the times when things _were _light between us and remember how _good _it was then. You drove me up the wall (and I'm sure there were times you wanted to wring my neck as well – do you remember the time I couldn't shut the kitchen window and half the apartment ended up full of snow?) but I was so happy then, the happiest I think I've ever been. There was so much… hope then. I haven't felt like that since Michael died; there's been only twice since then I've come close, and I think you know when. Once, the evening in your car and then at the wedding. Ironic, huh, that it was Hope who interrupted that hope. Sorry, I shouldn't try to be funny, again, not my strong point. _

_Okay, that's all I'm going to say for now. I don't want to churn out some massive essay that weighs the poor postman down, not yet anyway. I don't want you to feel compelled to reply, but it would mean more to me than I could put into words if you did. And I don't know if it matters or changes whether or not you do want to reply, but as I said at the hospital, Tony and I really are over. I've told him in no uncertain terms, and he understands. _

_Love _

_Your Roomie_


	2. May 30th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews for the first chapter, great to hear all your views on it. In this letter, I've said that Ray was at Mercy after his accident – I have no idea if that is correct, or if there was anything to the contrary, but if you do know, please let me know. And thanks to bigred08 for the correction on the last chapter – I've amended the dates accordingly.

_Baton Rouge_

_May 30__th__ 2007 _

_Dear Neela_

_I'm glad it took you a couple of weeks to write to me. I think if I'd received something from you when I first got here, it would have gone straight in the trash as soon as I saw your handwriting. I don't think I would have even opened it. I know that's probably not what you want to hear right now, but it would have been the truth. All I can say to that though, is two weeks makes a lot of difference. _

_First though, do me a favour, and cut the bullshit Neela. Staying with Abby to keep her company while Luka is away, or whatever the hell it was you said? You know I spoke to Greg; do you honestly think he wouldn't have told me what happened to you? Believe me, I know all the details – I quizzed him for long enough about it. And I'm so glad he told me. That was the turning point. When he said "Neela had an accident" I thought that you… _

_Damn, this hard to put into writing. I don't think I've ever written a letter like this before. Hell, I can't remember the last time I even wrote a letter. It's kinda weird to see all these thoughts here in black and white on the paper in front of me. Makes them more real, doesn't it?_

_Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. When Greg said that, I thought the worst and for a split second my heart stopped beating and I realised then that if something awful had happened to you, I didn't want it to start again, simple as that. You've hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but if we let it all go now, then what was the point of all that pain? I don't want to end up bitter, I want to live life, make the most of it all (yeah, corny I know, but it is actually true) and I guess I'm kinda used to you being a part of it somewhere._

_As for the accident (mine, not yours) don't blame yourself Neela. I know how good you are with guilt, but listen to me, _this was not your fault. _It was an accident. You could point fingers of blame all day long (and believe me, when I woke up at Mercy and looked down the bed and saw a flat sheet where my legs used to be, I spent quite a few very long days pointing a hell of a lot of fingers of blame) but at the end of the day, it really wasn't anyone's fault. Not any one person anyway. Sure, if you hadn't called me then, I wouldn't have been checking my phone when the truck came along. But you could just as easily say that Hope could have come along thirty seconds later, or I could have actually talked to you instead of drinking the bar dry, or Gates could have… Well, you know what I think of him, or Greg could have put me in a cab rather than let me stagger home, or the driver of that truck could have braked sooner. What I am saying is, there are a million what ifs, but none of them matter now. I've already learnt that you've got to look to the future. _

_Which takes me neatly on to my physical therapy. It's a bit grim, I have to say. It's damn hard work, and a lot of poking and prodding, zero dignity. I hate being so helpless, but I keep telling myself that the harder I work, the faster I will get better, and the less helpless I will be. The flaps are pretty much healed now, but apparently they're still not quite ready for weightbearing yet – everyone's rate of healing is different they tell me – so I'm stuck in the chair for now. I have an appointment on Thursday for a specialist to have another look, so fingers crossed, next week, I could be ready to be fitted for prosthetics, then it's on to starting to walk again. At the moment, a lot of the PT is strength building stuff, building up the strength in my arms and making sure I don't get too much muscle wastage in the stumps. The better shape I'm in, the better I'll be able to handle the prosthetics when I finally do get to have a go with them. There's a hospital in Baton Rouge that has a pretty good center for amputees. They have the whole works, prosthetics specialists, physical therapists, shrinks. Oh yeah, I see a shrink too. Give me a day of PT over an hour of that any day, but still, the talking has helped straighten it all out in my head a bit._

_Seeing the shrink has helped me get everything into perspective. It's been a crap year really, but it could have been worse. I'm here after all, I'm still alive. I know that this time last year, you lost Michael and it's made me think that… I'm not exactly sure, just, he didn't get a chance to make the life with you he wanted. Maybe I have a second one. _

_Don't hold me to that though, I'm getting ahead of things a bit. Anything like that is a very long way down the line yet. I need to concentrate on me for a while, and not just getting better physically again. I hardly recognise who I've become over this last year, I don't feel like I'm Ray Barnett anymore. I was thinking that perhaps when I'm fit for it, I might go to California, hang with Brett for a bit. Or maybe even go travelling. What do you think? _

_As for everything you want to say to me, please say it. I promise I'm reading it. It's being afraid of saying things that got us into this mess in the first place, let's not make the same mistake again. I can't guarantee what I'll be able to say in return though. I told you in the hospital I fell in love with you, and that hasn't changed, but right now, I can't think about that. Not yet. Let's just… wait and see, okay?. _

_R_

_PS You didn't mention the CD. I know you hate my, what was it, "poor excuse for music", but I was kinda hoping you'd have a listen. Which track do you think it was?_


	3. 4th June Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you again for the reviews, and the nudges in the right direction on the fact front. I'm really enjoying writing these letters actually, hence why I'm throwing them out so quickly at the moment. Expect another chapter of Pushing Charts soonish as well.

_Chicago_

_4__th__ June 2007 _

_Dear Ray_

_You wrote back. And so soon. I cannot begin to describe how happy I am simply to hear from you. When I saw your handwriting on the envelope it absolutely made my day, more than that, it meant everything. To hear that you're doing well is just… I'm so proud of you and the way you're coping. I'm sure it's not quite the breeze you're making out either, but it sounds as if things are going well, which is fantastic. _

_I'm so sorry for not telling you about what happened to me. God, I really do have an awful lot of sorries, don't I? I wasn't hiding things from you, not intentionally. I'd never do that again, believe me. I had reasons behind not telling you: I didn't want to burden you with my problems when you're going through so much more, but also I didn't want you to feel obligated to write to me just because I nearly died. There, I said it. I nearly died. I haven't said that to anyone else, I kind of haven't wanted to admit just how close a call I had. There have been a few moments, low, dark, horrible moments since then when I have wished they had let me die, but if they had, then I wouldn't have the chance to say all this to you now._

…_Can you hear me take a deep breath? I just did. A huge one. My hands are shaking a bit too – I didn't realise how nervous I'd be saying this, but I guess it's something I've kept inside for so long. Well, here goes. You said you wanted to hear it. _

_Ray, when I first moved in with you, I had no idea how much of a fundamental part of my life you were going to become. I don't think I even noticed it happening. You were just there, all the time, and after a while, when you weren't there, I found myself wishing that you were. It was such a slow slide, it wasn't like I woke up one morning and suddenly realised I was in… I watched you change over that time from someone who didn't give a damn about any of it to a good caring doctor. A good caring man. _

_This is probably where I should say something about Michael, isn't it? I still don't know why exactly I married him. I'm not _sorry _I did. I loved him, he was a wonderful man, but… when he left, it was as if he had never been there at all. Sure, his ring was on my finger and we'd made all those vows to each other, but it was if he was still a virtual stranger, someone who was passing briefly through my life to be remembered fondly but who never really… was a part of it I guess._

_And then all the time, in contrast, there was you. You were there every morning when I woke up and in the evening when I fell asleep. It was you I talked to, told about my day and drank beer and watched films with. It was you who I had a relationship with, not Michael, not my husband, and then when I found myself drawn to you as well, I felt so incredibly, indescribably guilty. Michael was away fighting and I was looking into another man's eyes and... feeling my pulse race and my insides melt. Because that's what you do to me Ray. Every time I see you, every time I'm near you. Even thinking about you now I remember the night you drove me home and… All those times I pretended you don't do that to me, it was a lie._

_It was also a lie when I told you on the roof I wanted you to stay the Hell away from me. All I wanted you to do is take me in your arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. I know you couldn't, I know I wouldn't let you, but I wanted you to all the same. I've been a bitch to you this last year, I know, but that's why. I couldn't be near you without wanting to be even closer to you, and that made me feel so, so guilty. I was meant to be grieving for Michael, not thinking about you, so I pushed you away, I had to, it was the only way I could cope. I know I hurt you badly, unforgivably in my opinion (but that's up to you) and for that, as well as so, so many other things, I am truly sorry. _

_As for your accident, I'm going to take a lot more convincing than that that it wasn't my fault. I've behaved appallingly to you, and if I hadn't, we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Simple as that. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop blaming myself for everything that's happened, but the fact that _you _don't blame me is more than enough for now._

_I still have to explain Tony don't I? Would you mind if I leave it to next time? I know you deserve an explanation about that even more than everything else, because it was certainly the most inexplicable of all my actions, but I can't write now. _

_Every word takes a huge effort to just get it down on the page, more than I thought it would. Seeing them all staring back up at me makes it so real, too real. I've always been good at denial (something I think you've probably figured out for yourself by now) but there's no room for that here, no going back on anything, no ducking out. I think that's good, I think that's what I need. One step at a time though. I'm so used to hiding, denying, ignoring what I'm feeling that admitting it to myself, let alone someone else, even you, is extremely hard. Sorry, I am trying. Please bear with me. I know that I've done nothing to deserve your forbearance but… that's what friends are for, right? (I'm hoping we're still friends. In fact, I'm praying, and that's something I haven't done for a while.)_

_So anyway, back to your letter. I feel like I'm being selfish again. How's the PT at the moment? Your appointment with the specialist is tomorrow, isn't it? Good luck, please let me know how it went. I know what you're like, I can imagine how much you must hate the sessions with the psychiatrist but it doesn't make you any less of a man to tell someone what you're feeling. I hope one day I can be that person for you, but I understand that that's going to be a while yet, if at all. _

_Taking some time out sounds good, although if you think you're going to get me to sanction you and Brett on a giant piss-up together in L.A. you've got another think coming Ray Barnett! It would be carnage. I'd have to fly out there and bail you out of jail or something; God knows no-one else will! Can't you go to… some Buddhist retreat or something?! All right, so that's a bit much. In fact, on a more serious note, I think it sounds like a good idea. Just be careful, hey? As for the travelling… why not? Where were you thinking? Promise me something though. You're an amazing doctor, medicine _is _your calling, even if you'd like to think it was music. Don't give up on it please._

_And on the subject of music. Track four, right? I've been playing it on repeat; Abby's nearly ready to kill me. She says if she hears it one more time she's going to break the CD in half. Guess she never was quite as susceptible to that charm of yours! I can't believe you put Brown Eyed Girl on it as well. Didn't your computer explode at having something as terrible as Van Morrison downloaded onto it when it's normally so used to the finest of the punk rock era? And KC and the Sunshine Band? See, I knew you were a fan of cheese underneath all that eyeliner and black nail varnish! Thank you for the CD Ray, I love it, and that you made it just for me moves me so much. _

_There, I think that'll do for now, I'm already in danger of making this into a tome. I'm back at work soon – Dubenko's putting me on half shifts to start with, so we'll see how that goes. _

_Thank you again for writing back Ray, and thank you for listening, and just… thank you for being you. You mean everything to me. _

_Neela x_

_PS Can you (I can't believe I'm about to say this, you're never going to let me forget it…) call me Roomie again. Please. I miss it. _

_PPS I miss you._


	4. June 9th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note:

_Baton Rouge_

_June 9__th__ 2007 _

_To My Roomie_

_There, happy now? You're right, I'm never going to let you forget that. Whenever you moan at being called a nickname, I'm going to remind you of that request for the rest of time. It seems kind of strange calling you that now seeing as we're however many hundreds of miles it is apart, but you'll always be my roomie. _

_I know it's been a few days since your letter hit the mat, but I wanted to wait until after I'd seen the specialist before I replied. And then after I'd seen him, I wanted to wait until after my PT session today. Guess why? Yep, that's right. I have legs! I got the go ahead from the specialist on Thursday then had my first fitting for prosthetics straight after – they're very keen on getting things moving quickly here, which is kinda good. Gives you less time to think or dwell on things. You're so focused on overcoming the physical barriers you sort of don't really notice the emotional ones until you're past them. _

_Anyway, it's taken a couple of days to get the prosthetics quite right, but they are now, and in PT today, I took my very first steps again. It was absolute agony, and I could only manage three steps (two with my right leg, one with my left) before I had to sit back in the chair again – I couldn't believe how exhausting it was. But what does that matter? I was walking. _Walking _Neela. I never dreamed it would be so soon. It's only just over a month since it happened, and already I'm on my feet again (so to speak!) It was amazing, completely worth the pain. I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself for something. I know there's still such a long way to go, but already I feel more positive about it. It's as if I can see a time when I'm going to be able to get something like my old life back, and it's not as far away as I thought it would be. _

_Now I feel like I'm being selfish in my letter writing. I haven't even asked how you are yet. You poured out all that in your last letter and all I can respond with is me me me. I'm not sorry though – I'm too excited, and besides, I know you want to know about all that stuff. But onto your letter._

_Neela, I… I'm not quite sure what to say. I agree on one point certainly – it _is _hard seeing the words on paper in black and white, there's no escape from them. Not that I want to escape from what you said. Damn, this is coming out all wrong. What I'm trying to say is thank you for telling me, explaining. So much went on between us that was never alluded to by anything more than a long look, a smile, maybe a brushing of hands that lasted a little too long that most of the time, I was sure I was in this alone. It's really good to hear I wasn't, even though now I'm kicking myself (metaphorically of course – sorry, I've developed rather a dark sense of humor. My Mom hates it but it amuses me) for all those missed opportunities. _

_I appreciate your explanation about Michael, I really do, but I never blamed you for any of that. You were married, he wasn't there, and things between us were getting complicated. I get all that, it's okay. It's after he died that it really began to fall apart. Sure, I was devastated when you left, but I understood your reasoning; that's why I let you go. In my more altruistic moments (few and far between, I know!) I even agreed with you. When he died though, all I wanted to do was help you, be there for you, to be your friend, and you wouldn't let me. That hurt. Badly._

_As for when we were up on the roof, if I'd had any idea that was how you were feeling, I swear to all that is Holy I'd have taken you in my arms and held you and never _ever_ let you go. But I didn't have the slightest clue. You see, when you tell me things, I tend to believe you. "Stay the Hell away from me." "You won't have to wait long." I have to tell you, and I hope you can see why, I don't trust you like that now, I can't. But then, you also told me I'd get through this, and I will, I am, so… I want to trust you again. In time, I hope I can. _

_Before that though, I'm going to need an explanation about Gates. Not that I want to ruin these letters by having his name in them, but I need to understand, why him? I know you told me at the wedding, he was new, there was no history, and that I get, but why for so long? Why did you get _so _involved? Why didn't you just cut him loose when you knew I wanted you to? After we kissed, I hoped, I truly believed, it was going to be the start of something between us, a real relationship, but in fact it was just the start of the next round of heartache. I'm sorry that I have to ask you this, to rake up all the bad feeling (I've never felt as awful in my life as when we had that shouting match in front of everyone. I hated us both then. I couldn't believe we'd let things slide that far.) but I have to get past this before we can move forward. I should tell you, I saw you on the balcony with him. That's why I started drinking, picked the fight. If you have some explanation for that that doesn't involve you lying to me, or going back to him behind my back, or cheapening the things you said before Hope interrupted, then I _really _need to hear it._

_That's all I'm going to say on that for now. I'm not blaming you, or criticising or anything like that. I just need an explanation and I think you'd agree; you owe me that much. On a different note, I don't know to where I'm thinking about travelling. It depends on a lot of things, time, fitness, money. Although money might not be too much of a problem. Apparently you're not allowed to go about mowing down pedestrians even if they are too drunk to haul their sorry ass out of the way, and my lawyer says the truck company will be keen to settle out of court – I could be looking at a pretty big payout. Not that I care about the money, but it would be nice if I could help Mom out financially – she's had to give up one of her jobs to look after me, and I still have some med school debts to pay off. Where was I? Oh yeah. I thought perhaps Europe, expose myself to a bit of culture. Or Australia. I don't know. _

_As for medicine again… one step at a time. I promise you I haven't ruled it out, I just kind of haven't ruled it in either. To be honest, I haven't given it a lot of thought yet, not as much as it deserves anyway. At the end of the day though, I'm going to have to do something, and I am still a doctor, so…?_

_I'm glad you listened to the CD. Yeah it was track four. I'm assuming from your comment about playing it on repeat that you liked it? Tell Abby I say you can play it as much as you like and she's to keep her hands off it! It wasn't easy to write, but it said a lot of things that I was too scared to tell you face to face. Singing made it easier somehow. As for some of the other tracks, just so you know, my computer will be traumatised forever. But hey, anything for my roomie. _

_Man, I just made the mistake of looking back and seeing how long I've been rambling on for; I don't think I've written so much since I was at med school! That'll do for now – I don't want to be tearing you away from those cheap novels for too long! Take care Neela, and good luck for being back at work. _

_R_

_PS I miss you too. _


	5. 10th June Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Oops, just realised I never put in an A/N on the last chapter – oh well, I'm sure you didn't miss it anyway. Thank you, as always, for all the reviews, they're all so encouraging, and it's fantastic to hear that you're enjoying it. By the way, I wrote this quite quickly and haven't proofed it in detail, so I apologise for any glaring errors; when I have the time I will go back and check.

_Chicago_

_10__th__ June 2007_

_Dear Ray,_

_All right, so I know I only received your letter this morning (less than an hour ago, actually) but I don't care how eager I know it makes me look replying so soon. _You're walking? Walking! _Ray, I'm so, so proud of you. I don't know if I have any right to be, but I am. You are so strong to be able to do this, to be able to look to the future and work so hard and… I'm rambling, I know, but I'm just… There aren't any words for what I'm feeling right now. I'm proud, and happy, and absolutely in awe of what you've managed to do, especially in such a short time. You're… You really are… Would it be an awful cliché to say you're my hero? Because you are, for countless different reasons that over the years I've lost count of, but you're a true inspiration in this._

_I wish I could be there with you to share this. Sorry, is that selfish of me? It isn't intended to be. Only that this is possibly the most important moment of your life, and I would be honoured to be able to be there to help you. That's being rather presumptuous of me that you would want me there I know. But… It's my fault this happened (I know you're going to argue with that statement, but still) and I wish I could be there to help you with the PT and the walking and putting your life back together._

_I know it's far too soon for us to see each other again. I know that I've got to make sure I get myself completely better as well. I know that you need to think about yourself and not me. But I can't help it, I want to be at your side. It's taking all of my willpower not to jump on a plane and come down to Baton Rouge and tell you to your face all these things that I'm putting on paper. Don't worry, I won't, but I need you to know that I want to. When… when you're ready for me to come and visit, if you're ready, then please let me know. I promised you I would come and see you, and there isn't going to be any more broken promises from me, not ever again. _

_On the subject of promises… I promised to explain about Tony, and I will. In the beginning, well, I told you about that at the wedding. New, easy, uncomplicated, something to take my mind off everything that had happened. I was still grieving over Michael, and I felt too guilty to let you in, and I needed… someone. Tony was that someone, I don't think that was too unforgivable of me. What I never ever meant to do was rub it in your face; all those poor excuses for surgical consults, things like that I never should have let him get away with. I shouldn't have sided with him on medical decisions. I shouldn't have let my personal life cloud my judgement, just as you said. I hated us during that argument as well, it was horrid._

_I know now that after Meg died, I should have walked away, but it felt too cruel at the time. Sarah had just lost her mother for the sake of me and Tony and even though I wanted to get out it seemed like I had just caused her mother's death and so the least I could do was stick by them. _

_Then, later, after we kissed… I truly don't know why I didn't leave him, looking back. Things were on the rocks between us then anyway, he was spending all his time with Sarah, I was seeing very little of him but I still couldn't bring myself to actually end it. I think I was scared. I think I was scared that something I had wanted for so long – to be with you – was on the cusp of being realised and what if it wasn't as good as the dream? What if I wasn't enough for you? What if you moved on to another girl after a couple of weeks as you used to? What if the spark between us was just that, a spark, nothing more substantial than that, and the whole thing turned out to be a disappointment? What if we were together and something went awry and I lost you as a friend? Remember, at that stage, we were just rediscovering our friendship again – I knew I couldn't bear to lose that again._

_Do you see how my mind was working? I know all of them are ridiculous reasons, not even reasons, excuses, but I was terrified to make such a life changing decision. Because being with you would have changed my life Ray. Perhaps a part of it was that bloody guilt kicking in again. Michael was dead – if I had loved him more, been a better wife, he might have stayed, and he might not have died. Therefore his death was my fault, therefore I didn't deserve to be happy with you. _

_I'm not even sure why, I'm just exploring ideas now, thoughts that have crossed my mind. Maybe if I had shared them with you earlier then you could have told me how stupid they were. Hindsight is a wonderful thing they say, well, I disagree. I think it's crap. It just gives me something else to torture myself with. _

_Finally, the wedding. I didn't want to go with Tony, he turned up on my doorstep and I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't want him there. All I could think of that night when I was getting ready was that I was getting ready for you. When I pinned my hair up, I imagined you taking out those pins, when I zipped my dress up, I imagined your hands undoing it. When I put my lipstick on, I imagined you kissing it off. Tony wasn't in my head at all, not even for a second. By then, I was just about ready to face my fears and tell you how I felt. Then, there he was. By then, I had barely seen him for weeks, hadn't spent the night with him, and I genuinely thought things had fizzled out. It wasn't until he said that he wanted to start things up again that I had any idea that was how he was thinking. As for the balcony, I was telling him once and for all that it was over. He was trying to persuade me otherwise and I agreed to go for coffee with him, with the full intention of telling him, again, in a more suitable atmosphere (I didn't want to cause trouble on Abby and Luka's special day – so much for that, huh?) that it was over._

_I wish you had just asked me about it Ray. _If only _you had asked me. Did you really think that after the things I had already said to you that I would still have gone back to him? If you believe that of me, then I must have behaved even worse towards you than I realised, and I realise it has been pretty terrible. So there you go, that's my explanation. I hope it answers your questions, and if it doesn't, well, feel free to ask me anything. I don't want there to be any secrets between us now, that's why I'm making an effort to make these letters as honest as I can be, with the truth laid absolutely bare. There can't be any other way for us now. _

_That was my explanation. Now I want one from you. Katey. I'm not defending any of my actions, not by any means, but you weren't exactly blameless. You claim you were in love with me, wanted to be my friend, were there for me, but you were still knocking off a med student, _my _med student if we're going to be really pedantic. Nor am I saying that you should have been waiting at home on your own for the day when I suddenly woke up and realised how much you meant to me. I don't know what I'm saying. Just, why? If you were so in love with me, why? And did it have to be someone from the hospital, someone I knew? I felt like you were trying to hurt me with that. Maybe you were. Maybe I deserved it. Just… I wouldn't mind hearing your side of the story. What really went on. I know you accused me, with some justification, of still being with Tony after we had kissed, but Katey was at the hospital with you, so you must have still been with her as well. Just as you said, it's not a criticism, or me trying to blame you (believe me, I _know _this is my fault) but as with you, I need to hear it. _

_I can't write any more now. I have to go to work and I feel absolutely exhausted having let all that out. I'm looking forward to hearing your reply, and once again, great big huge massive congratulations on the walking. I'm _so _proud of you. _

_Neela_

_PS Thank you for calling me Roomie. You can tease me as much as you like, I don't care. I could hear your voice when I saw the words on the paper and it made me smile so much. _


	6. June 12th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I'm still absolutely delighted with all the reviews I am getting, and appreciate the time you take to read it. To those who are looking forward to reading the reunion… remember this story is called "Epistles…" – that's all I'm saying! As I'm in the UK I haven't seen any of season fourteen yet, so I was wondering if someone would be kind enough to let me know, is Luka back by the time the letters are mentioned in the show?

_Baton Rouge_

_June 12__th__ 2007 _

_To My Roomie,_

_Wow, speedy reply. I'm afraid I'm not quite as quick off the mark as you, but still, here I am. How's work going? How many shifts have you done now? How are things at County now? I've spoken to Greg, and to Morris a couple of times, and they've filled me in (what's this Moretti dude like by the way? As bad as they say? Personally, I'm all for anyone who's willing to call Gates on his crap and banish him to the ICU) but I'm kind of missing it. I didn't think I would to be honest – the last year or so hasn't been the best – but I'm stuck down here away from all the action, and I wish I wasn't. When I first got here, I was upset, angry, still in pain and still on a lot of meds, and visitors, people, were the last thing I wanted. Now I'm feeling better in myself, and making progress physically, I'm getting closer to wanting to see people again, and you're definitely at the top of the list. I'll let you know when I'm ready. _

_Before I address everything you wrote, I want to talk about myself a bit longer..! PT today – I walked the whole length of the support rails (it's about ten steps). It was just as exhausting as the first time, and it still hurts like Hell, but I'm really beginning to get the hang of it. My physical therapist, Callie, says I'm making amazing progress, faster than normal and it won't be long before I can have a go with crutches. _

_As for what you said about being proud of me… thank you, it means a lot. I'm even blushing a little bit. Well, all right, maybe not actually blushing, but the sentiment is there. To me, it's slightly less awe inspiring – it's something I _have _to do, so I'm simply getting my head down and doing it, but I suppose from someone else's perspective, I am pretty damn incredible! I'm touched that you want to share it with me, and it's great to have someone to tell about it who understands the process but isn't intent on analysing everything I do or every step I take. It's not the walk in the park I've been making it out to be (but I think you know that) – she's getting better now since I'm actually walking but in the early days, Mom couldn't watch. There were plenty of times I was crying with the pain and frustration of it all. I've been more upbeat since I've been on the prosthetics, but I don't doubt there are more black moments to come. But if you think you can handle that, then when you do come and visit (it is a when, not an if) I'd like it if you would come to a session. _

_Okay. Gates. Thank you for telling me; I can guess how hard it was having to examine and analyse all your thoughts and actions when we all know how it ended. Yeah, hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? Too many what ifs for my liking. I know I for one would have done things differently given another chance. I sympathise with your explanation to a degree. I still think the guy's an asshole and you could have done a lot better for yourself even if you didn't want to be with me, and I'm not sure being scared was a good enough reason for the games you played. I was scared too Neela, in fact, I was scared shitless – of losing you, of wrecking our friendship, of you deciding you could do better than some no good rocker like me, but I was willing to put aside that fear, not let it rule me, and I think you should have been too. But, before you think I'm being too harsh, I think we've both made a lot of mistakes in our behaviour towards each other, and I'm not going to hold them against you just as I hope you won't hold mine against me._

_You've told me the absolute truth, which is exactly what I asked for and needed to hear, particularly about when I saw you with him on the balcony. I can't tell you how relieved I am that you were trying to get rid of him then. Now all I want to do is move forward. I don't think we should forget about any of this; there's too many lessons to be learnt from it, but it doesn't need to be raked over again. I want to see where we go from here._

_As far as Katey is concerned… Not one of my brighter ideas, I'll give you that. And I have a confession here that you might not like. I saw you and Gates together after the M&M over that guy who burst into flames in the OR and I was angry and upset and jealous. In that moment, I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel just a tiny bit of what I felt when I saw you kissing him. _God, I was jealous. _What gave him the right to waltz in, all arrogance and stubble, and lay you down on a table and press himself against you and kiss you like that when that's what I'd dreamed of doing for so long? _

_So I acted like a complete child and decided to get revenge. Katey was attractive, fun and, as you pointed out, _your _med student. It was vindictive and petty of me, not at all the action of a man who claimed to be in love with you, I know, and for that I am sorry. My relationship with Katey (I suppose you'd call it a relationship, although in truth that's stretching it a bit) was always light hearted fun and I never saw it as anything else. I didn't think she did either, although since then, I've come to question that. And I absolutely promise you it ended the night I kissed you. I stopped calling her (yeah, great way to handle things, I know) and shortly afterwards, she had it out with me in the ER and we didn't have anything else to do with each other._

_You asked what she was doing at the hospital… When I woke up, my Mom was already there, someone had gotten hold of her and she'd flown straight up, but she was absolutely distraught and I was in no mood, or state, to cope with that. Plus she had no idea where my apartment was, what stuff I needed or wanted, and like it or not, I've been closer to Katey this last year than anyone, so I called her. I knew I could trust her to do as I asked and, most importantly, not tell anyone what happened. I had no deeper reasons for wanting her there, I promise you. I think though, she misinterpreted things then and may have, I don't know, taken more upon herself than she had a right to do. I sort of saw it happening, but you saw what I was like when I was at Mercy. Believe me when I say I had more important things on my mind than Katey Alvaro. If she said anything to you she shouldn't have though, then I apologise. _

_Just so you know, I called her when I got back here to thank her for her help and let her know I had arrived safely, but since then I haven't spoken to her. She's called a few times but I let Mom speak to her. She's been good to me, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her outright I don't want anything more to do with her, but if you want me to or think I should, then I will. I don't want any more misunderstandings. _

_There. I think we've both laid our cards on the table. Things between us have been stripped pretty bare. I know that now raises the question, what next, but I don't know the answer to that. What do _you _want to come next? What are you hoping to salvage from this? The friendship we once had, or something more? Just to warn you, if it is the latter, this time it's going to have to be you who waits on me. I'm not sure when, if ever, I'd be ready. I mean, I don't have legs anymore, and no amount of hard work and prosthetics is ever going to change that. I will _always _be disabled. I will always have to take life a bit more carefully than others do; watching out for cracks in the sidewalk that can trip me up, or getting jostled in crowds and knocked off balance, or a thousand different things. And sex Neela. I don't even know if I can anymore, I mean logistically. Sorry to be crude, but it needs to be said. Bear all that in mind when you answer; I don't want you to be under any false impressions. _

_I know I'm being a little presumptuous. You've told me that you care about me, that you want to see me again, and that you did desire me (wow, that sounds really clinical, I didn't word that well at all – you can tell how awkward I'm feeling right now, can't you?) but you haven't told me what you are looking for from me. I'm sure you're trying not to rush me or whatever, but I want to know. I need to know. _

_I'm loving these letters; it's amazing to feel that you're really being honest with me again after so long (in fact, I don't think we've ever been _entirely _honest with each other) and that we're actually getting past all the obstacles we've put in the way of our friendship over the last year or so. But what I'd really like to hear is your voice. I miss your accent – there's no-one British here and the other day I realised I was watching some old British comedy show just because the way they talked reminded me of you. So… call me sometime would you? I promise not to fob you off on my Mom like I do just about everyone else. _

_This is the longest letter yet I think. Sorry it's been such a mammoth read, but there was a lot I wanted to say to you, and I feel better for having said it. I can't wait to hear from you again._

_R_

_PS. By the way, that little description of you getting ready for the wedding got me going – that's a cruel thing to do to a guy when he's several hundred miles away Rasgotra!_


	7. 17th June Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews, especially those of you who answered my question, and in particular buzzybee66 – thanks to you all hopefully I've got the finer details reasonably accurate here. I know that the date of the letter probably doesn't tie in with the date in the show at this point, but please just take it with a pinch of salt; if I'd thought it all through before I'd started writing, I would have made it work out but I had no idea then where I was really going to go with these letters.

_Chicago_

_17__th__ June 2007 _

_Dear Ray,_

_I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to you, I hope you didn't think I've been trying to avoid you or anything, it hasn't been like that. It's just… That letter left me a little stunned. In a good way, I promise, but stunned all the same. You sounded as if you have really been giving "us" some thought, that there might be hope there for… Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely delighted that you have but I never expected it to be so soon. I'm not trying to stall either, but are you sure you're ready to be thinking this way? I don't want you to do or say something only to regret it later. I just don't want us to rush into something without really thinking about it, for it to end up going wrong. Because if/when this does happen, I want it to be right for both of us, because I want it to be forever. _

_There's more I want to say, something in particular actually, but I'm not going to write it in a letter. Now you've said you want me to visit, I'm going to save it (there, that's an incentive for inviting me down there if ever there was one!) It's better face to face anyway. I think you must know what it is though. I've been aching to say it to you ever since I realised it myself. _

_Thank you for explaining about Katey; like with you and Gates, I just needed to hear your reasoning. I think you got it exactly right when you said we've both made mistakes, but if we're going to move forward, we've just got to let them go. As I've made far, far more mistakes (and hurtful ones) than you, and you're willing to put them behind us, then I wouldn't dream of saying anything different about Katey. _

_I do think you need to talk to her though, we sort of… had a little altercation over you today. It was something and nothing, not really an argument, but she was quite surprised to hear you were writing to me, put it like that. And she seemed to think she was coming to visit you in a couple of weeks. I'm assuming/hoping that she's mistaken. I think that perhaps it might be an idea for you to call her, I think you need to clarify the situation for her. _

_By the way, I am utterly mortified that you saw Tony and I that afternoon. I might not take back _everything _I did with Tony but I certainly would take back that kiss. I'd just found out he was living with Meg and Sarah and I was so mad at him. When I think of all the silly little rows I had with you when I was shouting at you and all I wanted to do was kiss you, and I chose then to give in? I'm an idiot, simple as that. _

_County is the usual hotbed of rumour and gossip, but there's nothing particularly noteworthy. Abby's missing Luka very badly, she's being a little erratic and odd actually, she's definitely not coping without him. Morris is finding it hard without Hope around either (she's off volunteering somewhere I think) – did you hear about those two? They got together at the wedding. Moretti is… different from Luka. I haven't had a lot to do with him, so I can't really comment, but I think it would be fair to say that Luka's style of management created a happier working environment, although Moretti, by all accounts, would argue his creates a more efficient one. The truth is, with so many people missing, there isn't a lot of happiness for anyone at the moment. I have a new intern, Harold. Trust me, you wouldn't want to sleep with this one no matter how much I hurt you! He's only nineteen, some genius kid, but once he learns _something _about people he might not be too bad. We'll see. _

_I'm sorry I haven't called you. I honestly tried, as soon as I got your letter. I got as far as lifting the phone out of its cradle. I tried again yesterday, and dialled three digits before I lost my nerve and hung up. I'm really, really sorry, I don't know why I am finding it so hard. It's just… It seems like such an immense step. I guess I still can't quite accept that you really do want to hear from me. I'm sure I don't deserve it. But I promise to keep trying – I won't let fear and guilt get the better of me again. When is a good time to call? Tell me specifically then if I know you are expecting to hear from me, I'll make myself call so I won't let you down. (There's logic in there somewhere, trust me.) Or you could always call me…? Not that I'm expecting you to do the running, but if you really want to speak to me, it might be better than waiting for my pathetic efforts to summon the courage. Plus I am sure Abby would like to hear from you as well – I'm still staying with her at the moment. _

_It's fantastic to hear your PT is going so well. I would definitely like to come to a session when I come to visit. I don't care how horrible it is, well, I do, obviously, I hate the idea of you being in pain, but what I mean is, whatever it's like, I want to be there to support you. I can't believe the progress you have made in such a short time; sounds like you and Brett will be out in LA causing chaos in no time!_

_Ray, don't you ever let me hear you call yourself disabled again. As soon as you've got the hang of walking with the prosthetics and all your strength back, you are going to be able to do every little single thing that you could before, including being a doctor and especially including having a relationship. The _only _reason I am tentative about that is the issues from the past that we have had to explain and overcome, absolutely nothing to do with the loss of your legs (other than my guilt over the part I played in that). I can't stress that point strongly enough. You are every bit as much of a man as you were before, except moreso because of what you've been through. I don't care if I end up walking down the street next to you, or pushing you in a wheelchair, as long as I am next to you. _

_Does that answer your doubts about that? Believe me, I'm not going into this blindly. I've been doing some reading on it. I know what's in store, at least theoretically. I know it's going to be hard and that there are going to be dozens of obstacles every day that we're going to have to overcome, but none of it matters, not to me. If we can get through everything that's been thrown at us so far, then that will be nothing. _

_There, annoying pep talk over. But I was being absolutely sincere. You asked me what I wanted for this and my answer is… you. I'm prepared to wait for as long as it takes, forever if necessary, but I want us to be together. I have no intention of rushing things or pushing you into something that you aren't ready for, but as soon as you are, I'll be there. I can't tell you any straighter than that. No secrets, no lies, no games, no hiding from what I feel. _

_I'll try to call you again as soon as I have the time, and I think after writing this letter, I might be able to find the courage. I certainly hope so. I miss the sound of your voice as well, although at least I have the CD to play when I need to hear you. _

_Neela xxx_

_PS I'm flattered, but you did that to me every time you smiled – consider that payback!_


	8. June 24th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Again, thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. Sorry it's taken me a little while to get this one out (well, compared to my recent rate of updates anyway) but it's been a hectic couple of days. Hope it's worth the wait! By the way, the timeline is probably moving away from the show significantly now, so please just try to ignore that error; it bugs me but there isn't a lot I can do about it now.

_Baton Rouge _

_June 24__th__ 2007_

_To My Roomie_

_Hey there, sorry it's been a while since I've written, but you know all my news now. I'm afraid I was so happy that you called I was kinda too excited to hold anything back to put in a letter. I guess I could always talk about the phone call… It was incredible to hear your voice. Like I said the other day, I wasn't surprised when you didn't call straight after I asked you to. Not that I doubted you, I just know that over the last couple of letters we've been striding ahead, probably faster than we should have been going, and it was only going to be a matter of time before one of us got scared._

_I'm just so pleased that you got past it and called. Hearing your voice was every bit as good as I thought it was going to be. It just… it reminded me of the good things about you and it – I don't really know how to explain this. It sort of felt like the next step in letting go of all the other crap that got in the way. I guess I'm trying to say thank you for calling and that I really appreciate it, and I… really… enjoyed it. Okay, I'm gonna stop now, I'm losing absolutely all eloquence, if I was speaking not writing, I'd be completely tongue tied. I think you know what I'm trying to say, at least, I hope you do. _

_I called Katey, just like you told me to. It wasn't the easiest conversation I've ever had, I'll tell you that, but I think things are sorted now. I don't know if you're particularly interested in hearing how it went, but in this new spirit of openness and honesty I think I should probably fill you in. If I tell you, you can be in no possible doubt that it's you and not her that I want, that I've always wanted. Skip the rest of this paragraph if you don't want to hear it all though. She was kind of snippy with me straight away; I think she probably guessed straight off that you had told me to call, even though she didn't say so at first. She, umm… wasn't happy that I've been speaking to you and not her. She kind of thinks that you don't deserve me to be nice to you (she didn't word it exactly like that; I'm umm, toning things down shall we say?!) but I told her that it was my decision to make and none of her business. I tried to thank her for everything she did for me, but after I defended you she wasn't exactly receptive to further discussion, and she wound up, well, being kind of bratty about it all actually. I hadn't seen that side of her before, and I didn't like it. Needless to say, she isn't going to be visiting me. I told her I didn't want to see her again, and she said that she, well, that she was no longer interested in coming to see me. (That wasn't what she actually said; as I'm sure you can guess, but I'll leave the exact wording to your imagination.) So that's that. Sorry if she causes any trouble for you at work. I don't think she will, but still, if she does, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for things to turn out like this. _

_Anyway, I didn't write this letter to talk about Katey. I think we should put her and Gates behind us. I'm not going to be insensitive enough to add Michael to that list, I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to me about him if you want or need to, but I think we need to put the negative aspects of it behind us. Do you understand what I mean?_

_What I was really writing to say was, I've had this really, really crazy idea. You can tell me it's crazy, in fact, I want you to. But… I was wondering what you were doing for Fourth of July weekend? I know in all your Britishness you frown on our American holidays, but it'll be fun; there'll be fireworks and there's usually a baseball game or something like that in the park in the afternoon and if you're really nice to me, I'll buy you a hot dog. I was thinking that perhaps you wanted to come down here? I know it's very soon, and I don't know if we're ready for this, but what do you think? Perhaps if you flew in on the Thursday, and I'll have a PT session on the Friday if you still wanted to come to that, then we could just kick back and enjoy the weekend? _

_Tell me what you think. I won't be remotely offended if you say no; it was just an idea I had and I wanted to sound you out. It's just that since we spoke on the phone, I've found myself wanting to see you even more than I did before. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought, why not? It's up to us after all. If you think it's too much, too soon, then say so, but… I'd like you to come. Mom would pick you up from the airport and you could stay for as long as you could get the time off work for. _

_That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm sorry this letter is shorter than some of my recent attempts, but after spending two hours on the phone, there's only so much to say! Tell the folks at County that I say hi (although maybe not in front of Katey) and tell Morris to keep his hands off my shoes. I know he's had his eyes on them – my spies are everywhere! _

_Please write back soon and tell me what you think about Fourth of July. I would say to call me, and of course, you're more than welcome to, but I kinda like these letters. Getting post is so much more fun when there's a chance there could be something other than junk or bills hitting the mat. So, hope to hear from you soon. _

_R_


	9. 25th June Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews (I know I always say that, but I always mean it, so I'm just going to carry on). Here's the next chapter… let me know what you think of it.

_Chicago_

_25__th__ June 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_A quick reply I know, but I wanted to write instead of call. I love these letters too – as much as I enjoyed the phone call, it was over far too quickly and I can't go back over it over and over again like I do your letters. Yes, I'm afraid I'm a real girl about them – I keep them in a drawer and read them when I'm missing you (which is every day). Anyway, that's why I'm answering by letter rather than calling. _

_Fourth of July weekend. Ray, I'd love to come and see you; I can't begin to describe how much I _ache _to see your face and hold your hand and… I've missed you _so _much. Every day I think about being near you again, and how much I am looking forward to that moment; I feel so privileged that you want to see me and invite me into your life down there. What I'm trying to say is I want to say yes, so, _so _badly, I honestly do, but…_

_God, this is hard to say. I think it's too soon. There, it's out. Even though sometimes it feels like forever since you've been gone, it's been less than two months since it all happened and I don't think either of us are ready for this yet, even though we want to be. I just… I don't want to risk this Ray, I don't want to risk _us. _You mean far too much to me, and the thought of your forgiveness, the hope for the future that you have given me in these letters is what gets me through the day. I can't bring myself to do anything that might jeopardise that. _

_I hope you understand why I'm saying this. I know you're going to be disappointed, but please believe me when I say I truly think waiting is the right thing to do. I'm thinking with my head and not my heart on this one (trust me when I say my heart is screaming at me to say yes and jump on the next plane out of here) which I know is a habit of mine that hasn't necessarily served us well in the past, but this time, it's the right thing, I know it is. _

_Please forgive me for saying no. I hate the prospect that you might be thinking "here we go again" and that I'm letting you down; I swear that isn't my intention. I just… I don't want you to rush into this. I need you to be ready because when this happens, I am going to be going into this with my entire heart, unreservedly, which is something I've never done before, and it _can't _go wrong. It would kill me to lose you, I know it would, so I just want to wait a little longer. The fact that you said you don't know whether or not you're ready kind of shows you aren't. There mustn't be any doubt at all when we do get there – doubt and fear have destroyed us before and I _won't _let it happen again. _

_I know it's a lot to ask, but please write back as soon as you have the opportunity to let me know what you think of what I've said. I won't be able to think about anything else until I've heard from you. I'm terrified you're going to be angry or hurt or disappointed, but I know I'm doing the right thing for us in the long run. So if I have hurt you with my answer, I'm so, so sorry, as I am for everything else._

_I would like to come and see you though. I've got a box of your things that came out of your locker (including your shoes, don't worry – Greg defended them from Morris) that I want to give to you. And of course, there's something I want to say to you. Later on in the summer maybe? Think about it, if we're this sure of this now, how much more sure are we going to be in a month or two's time? Plus, and I know this is a deeply practical reason, but I've missed a lot of work lately with being off sick, and I don't want to take too much time off right now. I'm back on full shifts and catching up on the hours I've missed, but I don't want to have to repeat a year of my residency because of the lost time. It's going to be bloody years before I make it to Attending as it is. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse or a reason not to come and see you, but still, it's something I have to bear in mind. _

_While we're talking about residencies, have you had any more thoughts about going back to medicine? Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything, but I realised it's been a while since I asked you, and I'm curious. Well, okay, more than curious – I'm dying to know. I'm sure you're still, physically, a fair way off actually working again, but I was wondering whether you'd thought about it. For instance, might you consider coming back to County? Or do you want to start somewhere new, make a fresh start?_

_How are the PT sessions going? Are you still making good progress? What about the psychiatrist as well – do you still have to see them? Not that I'm trying to pry or be nosey but I want to share this with you. Even if I'm not actually there in person, I want to support you and help you as much as I can. Let me know if there's anything I can do, please._

_Another thing I keep meaning to ask you, but somehow I always manage to forget about in the whirlwind of everything else: how are things between you and your Mum? I know you never said much about your family, even to me, but I got the impression things over the last few years have been a little distant; I know how rarely you spoke to her. So, how's it going? I hope the two of you have managed to get back some of what you've lost through all this. And what about your Dad? Has he come to see you? Don't feel compelled to answer if you don't want, but like I said above, I want to share things with you Ray, and be a part of your life, if you'll let me. _

_What you said in your last letter about letting go of the past and putting Tony and Katey behind us – I absolutely agree. We've talked about it, explained, and that's it. It's in the past. And so is Michael. I can't guarantee I'm never going to get upset about him, or miss him; he was my husband – but it's all over now, and I know he wanted me to move on, to fall in love again. He'll be glad about this, I know he will._

_I'm afraid I don't have time to say more, I'm meant to be picking Joe up from his sitter soon and take him out for the afternoon. I can't wait actually – he's such a little sweetie and as bright as a button. I love spending time with him, and goodness knows Abby can use all the help she can get. I'm worried about her; Luka can't come home soon enough I think, but she bites my head off if I so much as ask her about it, so I've learnt to leave it alone. I can help her with Joe though, and I do whenever I have the time._

_Neela xxx_


	10. June 27th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Wow, thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. I was absolutely convinced I was going to get flamed to Hell (so to speak) for that mean little twist so it was fantastic to hear that you thought I'd written it right. I offer you the next chapter as thanks...!

_Baton Rouge_

_June 27__th__ 2007_

_To My Roomie_

_Neela, calm down, it's okay, I understand. I'm kind of relieved you said that in one way. I mean, I want to see you again so badly, but I knew this soon was a crazy idea and I think I just needed you to tell me that. It would have been good though. I'm simply glad that we're still all right and me trying to rush things hasn't wrecked it all. I never used to have any patience at all, and these days it seems like all I keep getting told is to be patient; I'm not accusing you of saying that – I know you didn't – but I can't help being frustrated from time to time, and I can't stop myself pushing forwards. _

_I guess now all I can do is wait. It'll be worth it, I know, and I'm sure the moment will be even better when it does finally arrive. You're right of course, I am disappointed that I don't get to see you soon, but I know that it's for the best. I'm trusting your judgement on this one. Other than an occasional (but usually serious!) lapse, you always seem to know what the right thing to do is. What was it I said to you that day? Your ethical alarm system or something? Well, I'm happy to go with what the alarm system tells us if you are._

_A month or two's time sounds good to me. Whenever really; although I hope it won't be too far away. It might be better some time when the town's a little less crazy, with not as much going on. Have you ever been to Baton Rouge, or even down South? I don't think I've ever asked you. If we wait until I'm stronger and able to get about more, I'll be able to show you more of the city. Although I'll warn you now, it gets pretty hot down here in the middle of summer!_

_Before I move on to all the other stuff you asked me about, I just want to say, the things you said to me about how much you wanted to see me really moved me Neela. It was so good to actually hear you say (well, see the words written but I always hear your voice in my head as I read these letters) all those things. I love to hear you describe without holding back just how strong your feelings are. I know there's more to be said in person, but it comes across implicitly in what you write, and it makes me feel… I can't really explain it. Happy isn't the right word. Of course, I _am _happy, but what it really makes me feel is more… complete. Whole. Almost sort of… safe. I kind of feel like you're not going to hurt me again, that this time, at last, you're being honest and open and there isn't going to be any more games. So there had better not be Rasgotra! You mess with me this time, and I'm done for!_

_So I'm going to return the favor and I hope what I'm going to say to you now makes you feel as good as the things you said to me made me feel. Neela, you fill my mind every second of the day. I think of you first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I think of you when I should be concentrating on different things entirely, like in my PT sessions. When it hurts, and when I can't make my body do what I want it to, I think of you and how things could be when I get through this and it makes me work even harder._

_I ache to see you again as well. I want to look into your eyes and feel like I'm drowning, because that's how I always feel when I look at you. I want to take hold of your hand and run my thumb across the smooth skin of your wrist just like I did at the wedding, when I thought everything was going to be okay, and this time, I'm going to _know _it's going to be okay. I want to kiss you again like I did the night in the car, except this time, I swear to God I'm never going to stop. I love you Neela, and as soon as I can, I'm going to show you just how much… And _that's _why I want you to get your ass down here soon!_

_There, that's the 'us' talk over I think. Me me me now! The PT is going well, I'm still progressing overall. Well, I say 'well' but I didn't have such a good day today to be honest. I was hoping to be able to have a go with crutches by now, but it's just not happening. One of the prosthetics is rubbing the stump really badly and I need to have it refitted, so they weren't keen on me doing too much until it's sorted. I know I'm pushing myself too hard, but it's that damn impatience thing again – I cannot wait around and believe it'll all come right in time, that's not the sort of person I am. I want it all to happen yesterday, which in honesty isn't really helping the process. But, oh, I don't know, I just get frustrated with it sometimes; you've caught me at a bad moment. Ask me again another day and I'm sure I'll be more upbeat. I'm in a bit of pain today (from the prosthetic) kind of disappointed that I'm not going to be seeing you this weekend (I'd let myself get my hopes up even though I knew what your answer was going to be) and so I'm just generally grouchy and pissed off. Sorry to be putting this onto you, but you did ask me to share, so… It feels good to tell you actually. Talking to the shrink was good to start with, it helped with the anger and stuff, but now you and I have sorted things, I feel better telling you about it. _

_One thing I have discussed with the shrink a lot is going back to medicine. Every time you ask me about it, it makes me think, and Doctor Crossman has actually been a pretty good sounding board about it. I know that in time there's going to be no physical barrier to me going back, so I can't use that as an excuse. I've done a lot of thinking about it now, and talked it through several times, and I know I do want to be a doctor again. I thought about medicine and music, and all the other things that maybe I could do, like counselling perhaps, and I tried to picture myself doing each one and what my life might be like._

_Basically, medicine came out on top. The rush of adrenaline I get from being a trauma doc isn't matched by anything, not even playing a great gig to a packed bar. And it isn't just that – I enjoy the work. It makes me think and care and be grateful for what I do have in a way another job simply couldn't. So there's your answer – yes, I do want to go back to medicine, and as soon as I am able. Can't have you beating me to Attending now, can I?_

_The other question, I know, is do I want to come back to County. Honestly, I'm not sure I do. People are always going to be comparing who I used to be to who I will be when I have finished my recovery, and I'm not sure I can handle that. When the new me is fully up and running (both literally and metaphorically) I think I'm going to prefer the new and improved model so I don't know if I'm going to want to be reminded on the old me every day. I know what County's like, and I can imagine the sideways glances and the whispers behind hands, and I know it would get on my nerves even if they're not remotely malicious. _

_But having said that, it kind of depends on you. Without either of us actually saying so, when I'm thinking about it, I've been kind of working on the principle that any decision about the future can't really be made without factoring 'us' into the equation. Is there an 'us' now? Maybe not yet I know, but I think there will be and I wouldn't want to make a decision about whether or not to come back to County without discussing it with you. I know you're settled there and probably don't want to move, in which case I guess I'd be looking at finishing my residency at Mercy (not that I really want to set foot in there ever again) or Northwestern. If you were prepared to leave County though, I wouldn't mind a new city and a fresh start. I'd be hesitant to give you a firm answer; it's a conversation I'd like to have with you in the future. But hey, we needn't worry about it for a while; I'm still a long way from actually going back to work. _

_As far as the situation with my parents goes… Well, I was kind of surprised when you asked me about that. You threw me for a loop a bit. I'm touched that you're interested and that you thought to ask. I'd tell you about it, but this letter is already getting pretty long and if I'm going to tell you, I'll tell you properly, explain it all to you, and I don't really have the time right now. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Mom's calling me for dinner (I feel about ten years old again) so I'll save it for next time. I will tell you though, I promise. _

_The bit about going back to County; I'd like to hear what you think. I know I kind of asked some major stuff (in a round about sort of a way) so if you think I'm rushing ahead too fast, don't be scared to call me on it. I'd just… I'd really love to hear how you feel about it. _

_R_

_PS You sounded really concerned about Abby – I'm sure there isn't, but is there anything I can do to help? I have no idea what use I am hundreds of miles away and virtually confined to a wheelchair, but if you're worried about her, then I am too. _


	11. 1st July Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Once again, apologies for the while since the last update, and even bigger apologies with regards to Pushing Charts and Back to the Beginning. I'll get back to them as soon as I can, I promise. Work is hectic and life in general is even more hectic but I haven't forgotten about them. In the meantime though, I've just about found the time to throw this together. By the way, some of you reviewers may notice things you have said in your reviews creeping into the letters – I hope you don't mind. I find some of the things you say so insightful and helpful that I can't help but throw them in.

_Chicago_

_1__st__ July 2007 _

_Dear Ray_

_Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you don't mind me turning down your invite. I didn't realise until I was holding this letter in my hand how scared I was that you were going to be angry and that I'd gone and messed things up yet again. I almost didn't want to open it and see what you were going to say, and that's the only time, except for the very first letter you wrote and I had no idea how you were going to react, I've felt like that; these letters are always the highlight of my day. When I eventually plucked up the courage to read your last one, it was the biggest highlight of them all._

_Now the weekend is getting closer, I wish so much I had said yes. It would have been so fantastic to see you and be near you again, but we both know that its better I didn't. And by the way, it doesn't matter to me that it was a bad idea, I'm so pleased that you asked me. I'm honoured that you want me there with you, and I hope it won't be long before I am. _

_I understand your frustration as well. I know you think I'm the calm, collected, patient one, but when it comes to you, I am on the verge of throwing caution to the wind once and for all. We've waited so long for this chance, and it's only because I am absolutely determined to do right by you this time that I am able to wait. Having you say what you said to me in your last letter just makes me even more… God, I'm dying to see you. _

_I was thinking perhaps when I'd finished my internship I'd be able to take some time and come down there. Dubenko would probably let me have a week or so then, before I start my residency. And to answer your question, no, I haven't been to Baton Rouge. I've been to New Orleans once, when I was in college, which was terrific but that's it. As for the rest of it, I'm entirely relying on you as my tour guide. In all seriousness though, we can do as much or as little as you want, just whatever you're ready for. I don't care if we spend the entire time I'm there curled up on the sofa watching World Poker and devil movies, as long as I'm close to you. In fact, I can't think of many better ways to spend time than with you watching movies and poker – maybe we should just do that anyway!_

_I think, or at least I hope, you were joking when you said about me messing you around again. Ray, I promise you, with every single ounce of my heart, with every fibre of my being, that this time I'm for real. I don't blame you one bit for needing reassurance from me, and I don't care how many times I have to say it. You are the one for me, the one. I think maybe you always were. When I'm not with you, I feel like part of me is missing, and that only you can make me whole again. I think you know what I mean, because I get the impression you feel the same way. It's like… it's like I can't be myself unless I'm with you. It's like… it's like there isn't a me without you. _

_Sorry about the chronic lack of articulation there. Not my best work! It's just that half the things I say to you, I only realise they are true as I write them. These letters have been such a journey for me. I have never been so honest about my thoughts and feelings to anyone, not even to myself, yet I feel like I can say anything to you now with no fear. _

_Looking back, I don't know what I used to be so scared of. I don't feel like that now. A little apprehensive perhaps, of all the things that I know we are going to have to face, decisions and obstacles and choices, but not scared. How could I be scared of anything when you're there? (Except when I'm watching The Exorcist of course, but that goes without saying!) _

_I sometimes get angry with myself for all the opportunities to have something more than what we did that we have missed since we have known each other, but I'm actually glad we didn't do this earlier. If it had gone wrong, I would have lost my best friend, and I could never lose you. When we haven't been spending time together this last year, I've never felt so lost and alone. Even though you're hundreds of miles away right now, I feel closer to you than I have done since Michael died. Is that crazy do you think, or does it make sense to you? _

_I'm going to stop going on about how much I miss you now. I feel like I'm saying the same thing every time I write. I keep trying to find different words, different ways of saying how I feel about you, but I know I'm repeating myself. I hope you don't mind. I just know that I won't ever get bored of hearing you tell me how you feel, so I'm hoping it's the same for you. If not, tell me!_

_I'm really sorry to hear you had a bad day with the PT. I'm sure it won't be the only one you have either, but you're strong enough to get through it, I know you are. And I'm here to help you, even if I'm not _actually _there at the moment. Any time of the day or night you need to talk, you know where I am. It's a lot easier for me to say than for you to do, I know, but try to stay positive Ray. You _will _get through this. When you're having a bad day, just think of… Just imagine I'm there with you, and that I'm holding your hand. Imagine that I'm there to encourage you, and to wipe away your tears when it hurts. Because in mind, in spirit, if not in body, I will be. _

_And I'm so glad you feel like you can talk to me about how it is going. I think I've said that before as well, but I am. It really makes the miles between us feel like nothing. I sit on the sofa with a cup of tea when the apartment is empty or Joe is asleep and I have a little bit of peace and quiet and it's like you're here with me. _

_Where do you read my letters? What's your little routine? I'd love to know. I have it in my head that you do something like sit on the back porch on a warm evening and read what I have written as the sun is setting. I know that's completely over the top and over-romanticised, but hey, it's my little fantasy. If you're going to disabuse me of it, do it gently!_

_I haven't said anything about what I know you are wanting me to. The truth is, I'm absolutely blown away by what you said. Needless to say, I'm completely over the moon that you want to go back to medicine, and more than that, I think it's the right decision, for you. As far as all the rest of it goes… God, I don't know._

_You asked me, is there an 'us' yet? Maybe not in exactly the same way most people would think of as being a couple, but we care deeply about each other, there's no-one else for either of us, and we're thinking of a future together. I don't know about you, but when it's put like that, it sounds pretty much like there's an 'us' to me. _

_Even at the moment, it's killing me to be away from you, so I don't want this to last long, but I haven't had enough time to think about whether or not I'd want to stay at County. I guess I've been thinking so much about you and your future it didn't really cross my mind that I might have some big decisions to make as well. I'd never want to force you into doing something you didn't want to do, like coming back to County, just to fit in with my ideals, but on the other hand, it could be very very hard for me to find a spot in a good surgical residency programme somewhere else, especially given the amount of time off I've had recently and the fact that I've switched over from emergency medicine. _

_I suppose an honest answer would be I'd like to stay at County, but not at the expense of not having you with me. If you would be happy to move back to Chicago and can find a place at Northwestern or somewhere, then fantastic, but if it doesn't work out that way, for whatever reason, then I'm open to ideas. If we could both find good places somewhere else, then… why not? It would be easier, more straightforward in so many ways than staying here._

_But on the other hand… when have we ever done things the easy way? I understand completely why you don't want to come back to County but just, keep thinking about it. I promise in return to give some serious thought to moving, but please don't forget the good bits of being here as well. People might be a nosey bunch of gossips but they do care. I know it's the only hospital either of us have ever really worked in, so I guess we don't know what other places are like, but the grass isn't always greener. This _is _a good place to be, and if you were to come back, I know people would be overjoyed. Pratt and Morris miss you, Sam often asks after you. Okay, so there would be talk, but it would die down. These things always do. _

_Look, I don't really want to give you a firm answer yet either. You're right; it's something we need to discuss together, and a lot. Maybe we'll save it for a face to face chat. Like you say, there's plenty of time to think about that one. _

_It's kind of you to worry about Abby. If there was the slightest thing I thought _anyone _could do to help, I'd say, but I really don't think there is. She needs Luka to come home, she probably needs a bit of time off work, she needs to relax and rest and stop worrying._

_Neela xxx_

_PS Don't feel obligated to tell me about things with your parents, I was just interested._

_PPS Hope you enjoyed the sunset(!)_


	12. July 14th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: This seems to be the way I start all of my updates lately (ha, I say that like I have actually been updating lately!) but I am so sorry it's been such an enormously long time since I've last updated this. Life has just really run away with itself and on the rare occasions I have had ten minutes to sit down, I've been too exhausted to write. However, here's a chapter now – consider it a slightly early Christmas present! I would absolutely love it if you have the time to leave me a review but completely understand if you don't!

_Baton Rouge_

_July 14th 2007 _

_To My Roomie_

_Before I start, I'd just like to say sorry that it's taken me so long to reply to your last letter – two weeks is damn poor I know, although in my defence, I have called you three times so it's not all bad! Still, even though I love hearing you, there's nothing like the kick I get out of seeing an envelope with your handwriting on it hit the mat, so I'm sorry that I've deprived you of that for a fortnight!!_

_I know I said so on the phone, but Brett coming to visit for Fourth of July was awesome; thank you so much for organising that surprise for me. Mom was out and I couldn't believe it when I answered the door and he was standing there. Admittedly he lacks a few of your rather more feminine charms, and it was a kinda hot day and he'd been sitting on a plane for hours so he didn't smell exactly like a bunch of roses… haha, I'm not really selling it, am I? But it was as you might say, bloody amazing (I love it when you say "bloody") and having him there almost made up for missing out on seeing you. _

_We didn't exactly tear it up, but we hit a few bars – with disabled access of course, not quite good enough on the new legs to add alcohol to the mix!! Even though I was in the chair, just being out in a bar, drinking with Brett (in moderation sadly; I'm scaling back on the meds now but there's still a few that you wouldn't want to mix with a bottle of tequila) made me feel so _normal _again. _

_Not entirely as if none of it had happened because there's always one dickhead who's going to give you a funny look, but I was in a bar, there was a baseball game on a big screen and a bottle of Bud in my hand and I was me again. It was such a simple thing, but finally, after all this time, I was sitting there and I suddenly realised I was Ray Barnett again. I was who I remembered myself to be a long time ago before everything got so fucked up. I was just a normal guy spending a Friday night hanging out in a bar with his best mate drinking a few beers and talking about sport and music and all sorts of meaningless crap and it felt fantastic. _

_Which, of course, was down to you. I've spoken to Brett quite often on the phone and stuff, but he said he wouldn't have thought to come and visit so soon without you calling and suggesting it. I think he was quite surprised actually how much progress I'd made. He was still shocked at the stumps, although he did a pretty good job of hiding it (I know him too well though) but I think he was expecting me to be some bedridden invalid so I'm glad he was pleasantly surprised. _

_The weekend was kind of a turning point for me though. I knew I was getting my head together with regards to the amputation, but I knew that I'd still lost myself somewhere along the way these last couple of years and wasn't quite sure where to go looking. Well, I think I'm there now. It's been a mixture of things – talking, well, writing through the stuff with you, getting away from County, spending time with my Mom again, and now this weekend with Brett. But I'm there now. I'm back. I'm me. _

_Naturally, all that has made me even more impatient in my PT sessions. It's all still going well, but now I feel like what I want, who I want to be, is within my grasp, it drives me mad that my body isn't quite there yet. I'm inching closer though. I can walk the length of the bars now without too much pain and it doesn't make me as puffed as it used to. I want to have a go with crutches but they're making me hang fire a bit. I know they're right, but… (I shrugged there, you probably didn't get that from just reading!) Oh, and what you said in your last letter, about imagining that you're there – I do, all the time. It's what gives me the strength to drag myself out of bed to the gym, to PT, to the dozens of different doctors and specialists I seem to have to see. _

_I know what you mean about the closeness. I know there's always been something between us, call it what you will, but it was always unspoken, never quite out in the open although we both knew it was there. And now it is right out there, on paper, in black and white, and that feels so damn good. I don't know what you were scared of either to be honest, but I'm glad that you're not anymore. There isn't anything to be scared of. Not with me, not ever. _

_You said that you hoped Dubenko would give you some time off when you'd finished your internship – that would be around the end of August right? Do you want to organise to come down here yet, or wait for a bit? Whichever, just let me know the dates, flight times and stuff and I'll organise things this end (and by that I mean go out and hire every single devil movie at the video store) Promise me it won't be too long!_

_You asked me where I read your letters. The first one I read in my room. Mom gave it to me after I'd got home from a really long hard PT session and I didn't think I even had the energy to hold the piece of paper in my hand so I got myself into bed and read it there. My whole body ached and every muscle was screaming in agony, but as I read your words and heard your voice, it all seemed to fade away. Now I can get about a lot more, and I like to read them outside. There's a park a couple of blocks away and if I have the time and it's not too hot, I wheel myself down there and sit by the lake so I can pretend it's a slightly warmer version of Lake Michigan and I'm there in Chicago with you and not hundreds of miles away. I have read a couple out on the back porch, but as the post tends to arrive in the morning Neela, the sun isn't normally setting – sorry to burst your bubble! If you want, I'll save the next one til the evening so I can fulfil your little fantasy! (If there's any other fantasies you would like me to fulfil, just let me know and I will be _more _than happy to oblige!!!!)_

_I hate to say this but I'm kind of pressed for time right now. My Dad's meant to be calling in soon – not sure whether he will or not, but he's in the area and when he is, he usually manages to stop by, so… _

_I know there's heaps of things that you brought up in your last letter than we haven't really talked about over the phone, and I wish I had time to now, but for the moment, this will have to do:__ Let's make this an 'us'. It's our decision after all. If we think we're ready, then we are. Personally, I think we've wasted enough time. If someone asks me, do you have a girlfriend, I want to be able to say "yes" rather than "well, there is a girl, but things are complicated between us because she married someone else, I didn't have the guts to tell her how I felt then after a lot of pain and loss and messing things up we missed our chance because I ended up under a truck"… Haha, see why I just want to go for the "yes"?_

_So anyway, just so you know, next time someone asks me, I'm gonna go for the "yes". _

_The rest of it I promise to get round to next time. _

_R_


	13. 19th July Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, it was great to hear from you all again! I didn't think I was going to be able to get another update done before Christmas as I'm a bit of a Christmas obsessive and the closer to the big day I get, the more my life becomes overtaken with wrapping paper, mince pies and fairy lights, but much to my surprise, I appear to have had the time to write this, so here you go… Merry Christmas!

_Chicago_

_19__th__ July 2007 _

_Dear Ray_

_Us. We're a couple. Ray and Neela. Or Neela and Ray. Wow. I've been saying it over and over to myself a lot over the last few days, just sort of seeing what it sounds like really. I can't believe after so, so long that this is it. We're actually doing this. We're a couple. (I already said that one, didn't I?) God, I feel amazing. I know it's a little bit academic at the moment, given that we're so far apart and we haven't seen each other in the better part of three months but…_

_God, it makes me feel so good. You're my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend. I want to go and shout it from the rooftops. I want to tell the whole world. And yet – you're probably laughing at me now – I want it to be our little secret as well. Do you know what I mean even a tiny bit? Or do you think I'm plain crazy? _

_You know what, I think I am crazy. I'm crazy about you, I'm crazy about the idea of us. I'm also rambling, but can we ignore that for the moment? I just… I don't know what to say really. This has been bubbling for so long between us; we've been skirting around it and missing chances (largely my fault, I know) and after… after seeing you in Mercy, how broken you were, I really thought that there was no way back from what I had put you through and that it was going to be the end. I never expected all these letters, and I certainly never expected… I never dared to hope for a future for us. _

_And now it's really happening and it's like all the dreams I have ever had have come true. I know there's still so much to talk about, to discuss and decide, but it'll work itself out, I know it will. I'm not naïve enough to think that this is going to be easy, but I know for sure it is absolutely going to be worth it. And I don't care, I really don't, whether we're in Chicago, or Baton Rouge, or a whole new city or, Hell, a whole new country. I just… you've given me a chance that I had simply given up believing I was going to get, and I'm going to take hold of it so tightly and never, ever let it go. When I get my hands on you, I'm never going to let go of you either! _

_And just for the record, on the fantasy front, no way am I going to be putting anything in writing! That's just wrong! Besides, surely you want a few surprises?!_

_Given this new turn of events, I've been giving some more thought to the whole Chicago versus somewhere else thing. I know we have to really sit down and talk about this, actually do research into different options; other residency programmes and things but… I'll go wherever you go. I don't mind. I'd be sorry to leave Abby behind, especially if Luka hasn't come home, but you know what, I'd do it, I'd walk away tomorrow for you. _

_She, umm… She really upset me the other night actually. She's started drinking again, so I know she only said it because of that, but it still hurt. I try not to think about it because I know it isn't true – every one of these letters tells me it isn't true – but… You're not sorry you met me, are you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask it, but it's one of those traitorous little thoughts that squeezes it's way in through a chink in my armour (you are the chink, you are the only thing that can penetrate the walls I put up around myself, and Abby knows that, that's what made it worse) and as soon as it's inside, it multiplies and spreads like a cancer and makes me doubt things – myself, you, us. It's not logical, I know, but it's there. After all that's happened, I don't think it will ever entirely go away but it's just one of my faults. You're going to have to learn to live with it, I'm afraid. _

_As for everyone else at County, yes, I'd miss people. I think I'd even miss the place. But it doesn't mean more to me than you, absolutely nothing does, so I really am happy to go anyplace you want. _

_I'm delighted that Brett's visit was so good for you. I knew you'd enjoyed it from what you said on the phone, but I had no idea until you wrote that it had helped you so much. I'm so glad I thought of it. I just… You know I still feel guilty about everything, and I've had this thing in the back of my mind that I broke you so it had to be my responsibility to help fix you. I don't know if that's presumptuous of me (I think perhaps it is a little) but it makes sense in my head. Anyway, even though I couldn't be with you that weekend, I didn't want you to be alone so I asked Brett to go, and now that seems to have helped you and… _

_Oh, I don't even know exactly what I'm trying to say, all these things are just thoughts that swirl around in my head and normally I would never even try to put them into words, but with you, I want you to know them. I don't want you ever again to have to try to guess what I am thinking. No more secrets or games or not being absolutely honest ever again. I may make a lot of mistakes, but I promise you, I learn from them. _

_I don't feel too disheartened having been disabused of my little sunset on the porch fantasy, because I quite like the park and lake thing as well. Describe it to me though; I want to be able to picture it. _

_I was happy to hear that the PT is going well. I was astounded for a moment when you were talking about already thinking about starting with crutches, but then I thought it has been two months, so I guess you probably are nearly at that sort of stage now. Just promise me you won't push yourself too hard Ray. We've got all the time in the world, don't do anything to hurt yourself or cause yourself a setback. Give yourself all the time you need. Remember, I'm right there with you on the bad days as well as the good ones. _

_By the way, I asked Dubenko today if I could have some time off. He wasn't hugely keen; he pointed out the time I lost when I was laid up in hospital and then only doing half shifts when I was recovering, but it didn't take him long to cave. I think he knows I need a holiday. So anyhow, I have two weeks, the last week in August and the first week in September, and I want to spend them all with you. I am a little bit disappointed that I won't get to see you before then, but I'm sure the time will fly. I don't mind what we do when I get there, just whatever you feel up to. Simply getting to see you and spend some time with you will be fantastic. God I miss you so much. When I've booked the flights, I'll let you know the times. _

_Anyway, I had better be getting to work. Things are going well there, but it just isn't the same knowing that the whole day is going to pass and I'm not going to see your face. Some days the thought of you was the only reason I was able to drag myself out of bed in the morning to go there. _

_And just to reiterate, your last letter made me the happiest I have ever, ever been in my life. I cried, I laughed, I just… Thank you. Thank you for everything, for giving me another chance, for thinking I was worthy of one, for all the times you have been there when no-one else was even when I didn't want you to be, for waiting for me, for fighting for me. For loving me. _

_Your girlfriend Neela xxx_

_PS Sorry, I just wanted to see that in writing!!_


	14. July 22nd Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Hope you have all had a nice jolly festive season and are suitably full of turkey and suchlike. Thank you, as always, for the reviews and here's the next letter for you all. I know I've said it before, but the timeline is well and truly screwed up with this story now particularly in relation to Abby, but please excuse me the error as the story is too far written to do anything about it now. By the way, I'll see what I can do with updates for my other stories, as some have you have been asking about them.

_Baton Rouge_

_July 22__nd__ 2007 _

_To My Girlfriend_

_There, you know what, I think I like the sound of that one even better than "Roomie", and I suspect that you do too – or at least, I hope you do. I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle a little to myself at your last letter Neela. I don't think I've ever heard you so… inarticulate! You really were rambling. It was absolutely charming to listen to though. Actually, in all seriousness, it was good to hear that from you – I knew for certain that it was your true thoughts and feelings with nothing held back and for me, that was fantastic. I don't need fancy words and elaborate phrases from you, just honesty, and that's exactly what that was. That makes me happier than anything. _

_And as you were so open with me, I'll do you the same favor. I don't want to call you my girlfriend because it's easier to explain or whatever line I fed you in my last letter. I want you to be my girlfriend because I am completely, hopelessly in love with you. You fill my heart, my mind, you're… everything. I don't know how else I can put it. I couldn't tell you when I fell in love with you, there isn't one single moment. I just felt us sliding closer and closer together and then one day I… I kind of cottoned on I guess. I'd never been in love before I met you, so maybe someone else, someone with a little more emotional maturity would have realised sooner and done something about it, but by the time I knew, it was all too late. _

_You say you blame yourself for what happened, and I keep insisting you shouldn't, and that's why. If I hadn't been more interested in where the next easy lay was coming from, I might have recognised how I felt about you sooner, and… _

_And I'm going off on a tangent. We agreed no more what ifs, no more guilt and blame and apologies. It's the future that matters, and Hell, what a future you've given me to look forward to now Neela! You made me the happiest guy alive when I read your letter. I know you said us being in a relationship was academic, given the distance between us, but I don't see it quite like that. We lived in the same apartment for over a year and we never got closer than when I almost tried to kiss you the night you left (yeah, I did. You turned away and I never was sure whether you knew what I was about to do.) Proximity does nothing for us. What we have goes far deeper than that, so even though I'm down here and you're in Chicago, I see us now as as much of a couple as anyone, which makes me… God, so proud. I _cannot _wait until I can walk down the street with you, holding your hand. The idea that you want to be with some crippled rocker is one I'm not quite sure I can believe, but I'm gonna roll with it for as long as I can. _

_I know what you mean, crazy though you are, when you say that you want to tell everyone and no-one. It's not quite the same for me, obviously, as it must be for you at County, but my Mom's always itching to know what is in these letters and since his visit, Brett's called pretty much every day and he's _dying _to know what's going on between us (as you can imagine!) so I've got my own share of people quizzing me. _

_At the moment, I'm kind of keeping it to myself. Mom saw the grin on my face after your last letter (which was fairly hard not to spot I think!) so she knows there's something up, but beyond that, I haven't said anything. I just… I want to make sure it is truly real before I do. Not that I doubt you, not now, but the idea that you and I are actually together after all this time is so fantastic that even as I'm writing this, I have to give myself the odd pinch every now and again to help it sink in. _

_Listen, I'm the one rambling now. I know there was so much I wanted to say to you in this letter, but now I'm writing it, my mind has gone blank. Well, not completely blank, it's as full of thoughts of you as it always is, but as apparently there are certain things we are not allowed to commit to paper, the less said, the better! Honestly Rasgotra, what were you trying to do to me with that whole fantasy thing? It's not fair to do that to a guy – I haven't been able to think of anything else for days!_

_As much as I'd like to write about your fantasies all morning, there are some serious things I want to say as well. I'm touched that you'd be prepared to move anywhere with me, I really am. That you'd be willing to give up your job, your friends for me, I… It means a Hell of a lot to me Neela. That's an understatement naturally, but I don't trust myself to say more. Just so you know, I still haven't ruled out coming back to Chicago once and for all, I don't have any fixed ideas, but the prospect of somewhere completely new appeals to me. It's not that I want to forget all that happened – that's us, our history – but I want somewhere that allows us to put it all behind us and make a new start. As much as part of me wants Chicago to be that place, I've tried to imagine it and I simply can't see it. I'm not sure Baton Rouge is either though. I'm happy enough to be here now, but those first couple of weeks after I returned were so hellish, full of so much pain and bitterness that I don't think I want to make my life in a place that has made me feel like that. _

_Look, we can keep going round in circles on this one. At the end of the day, all that _really _matters to me is that we're together, and you say it's the same for you, so I doubt we're going to come to any actual decision. What I propose is that we both do a bit of research, just basic stuff like what cities we like the sound of, what hospitals are there, if they have Trauma and Surgical Residency programs maybe. Then, when you come to visit, we throw it all together and see what we come up with. How does that sound to you?_

_And as for what Abby said; Neela, I want you to forget about it right away and never ever think such a thing again. It is _absolutely _untrue. Even when I had to endure seeing you with Michael, Gates, when my heart was at its most broken, _even then _I was glad I knew you. You've brought so much to my life that I would never have known existed if it hadn't been for you. You've taught me what love is Neela, and now I know that you lo– Well, that's for you to say, but even without the words, I know you do, and now I know that, I'll never want anyone but you. You mustn't ever doubt that. You're everything to me, my reason for living. I can't put it more plainly than that Neela – if you don't believe me now, you never will. _

_But Abby has started drinking again? I guess that's what it was when you said you knew something was wrong. Wow, I just didn't expect that at all. Abby's always seemed so together for as long as I've known her, I've always found it hard to believe she was an alcoholic. But to go back to it now…? I know my memory of the night is kinda hazy for more than one reason, but she was Luka seemed so happy at their wedding. I remember watching them dance together, and the way they looked at each other when they said their vows, and thinking if I ever got to be half that happy with you, I'd be over the moon. And now you and I have that and Abby is falling apart._

_I know I should be concerned about her, and I am, she's my friend, but are you okay? I don't like the thought of you trying to cope with things by yourself. And friend or not, I definitely don't like her saying what she did to you. She has no right to make those assumptions, or to voice them. I hope Luka is home soon, for everyone's sakes. _

_Yeah, Brett's visit was pretty cool. For the record, I don't think you were presumptuous when you said that you felt like it was your responsibility to "fix" me, but these things can't be done by other people, they only come from within. Unless you're going to specialise in orthopedics, in which case you might be of some use on the fixing front! But joking aside, you needn't worry about me, not now. I'm okay Neela, I'm going to be okay. It's a damn hard journey, but I've taken the worst steps, both literal and metaphorical ones. Now I know what there is waiting for me at the end of the road – you – I'll do everything to get myself there. _

_The dates of your visit are all good for me, although not soon enough, naturally. I can't wait. God, the thought of seeing you again Neela… I miss every little single thing about you, the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair, the way you look at me, especially when you're angry, and most of all, the way you taste. _

_Just to warn you, I may be wandering off slightly into the category of things that shouldn't be committed to paper, but I'm saying this absolutely seriously, so I guess I'm allowed. When I kissed you that night, I never expected you to kiss me back. I thought you would pull away, offer some excuse, run as you always did. When I felt your body close to mine, your hand on my knee and your lips – Jesus, you're delicious – against mine… Well, you can imagine what it did to me, what it still does to me every time I think about it. Every part of me (not just that part!) aches to be near you again. If you were coming tomorrow, it wouldn't be soon enough. _

_I read your last letter out on the porch at sunset by the way, just for you. It was nice actually, although I doubt I'll always be able to wait til evening every time one of your letters arrives. When you visit, we'll sit there together and watch the sun set, and the view will be even more beautiful. (Stop laughing – lines don't come across well on paper, and that one wasn't great to begin with!) _

_Anyway, enough of that. Take care Neela, call me anytime you to talk, I'm always here. _

_Love Ray_


	15. 29th July Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Many thanks for the reviews on the last chapter – I love writing these letters and it's so nice to hear that you seem to like them as well! Now the festive period is over I am sadly back at work again so I can't guarantee when the next update is going to come, but it will probably be a Pushing Charts one, as I think it's that story's turn for a little attention next. By the way, is there anything you would like to see included in these letters? Kind of in return for how lovely you all are in taking the time to review. If there's something you would like to be covered in the letters, let me know and I'll see if I can fit it in with where these letters are going.

_Chicago _

_29__th__ July 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_Yes, I liked your greeting in your last letter (what girl in the world wouldn't want to be your girlfriend?!) but you know what, I prefer "Roomie". Of course, feel free to call me whatever you want, even "Neela" once in a while is okay (except Doctor Jumbomart, on no account are you permitted to _ever _call me that) but "Roomie" is just… I don't know. It's us, isn't it? We'll always be Roomies. If it hadn't been for all that time we spent together in our apartment then we'd never have this bond between us that we do now and I want to remember that forever. I know I might be viewing it through rose tinted spectacles a bit, but apart from now and what these letters have given me, I think those times were the happiest I've ever been. I didn't think so at the time, but, to trot out an old cliché, hindsight is a wonderful thing. _

_Wait, I'm verging into the territory of what ifs, aren't I? I'll stop. You didn't have to tell me why you wanted to make things official; I know it wasn't whatever silly reason you gave me Ray. I know you, I know how hard it is, especially after all I've put you through, for you to open up, and I truly appreciate it when you do. Basically, you don't have to tell me things like that if you don't want to, but it makes me so, so happy when you do. _

_What you were saying, about when you realised you were falling in love with me, made me think about it as well. I'm exactly the same, I couldn't say when I fell for you. I don't even know if it was before I married Michael or not. I think it began before, but it grew as time went on. The more time I spent with you, the better I got to know you, and who could blame me for feeling drawn to you then, wonderful, fantastic person that you are. Okay, okay, you can deflate your head now. _

_As for when I realised how I felt about you, I know the exact second. Do you remember when I was doing that presentation at the conference for Dubenko? Yes, I'm sure you do. God, the way you looked at me that morning… It makes my pulse race even now. Anyway. The speech was an utter disaster, but afterwards, I was sitting in the bar with Dubenko drinking martinis and I remember trying to persuade him that I was boring or something like that, and I told him that all I wanted to do was sit at home with my roomie. And that was it, that was when I knew. Of all the places in the world, of all the things I could be doing, there wasn't one single thing I would pick over sitting with you on the sofa, drinking beer, laughing, chatting, just being us. _

_So, now you know, that's why I had to go. I was married, my husband was away and I knew if I was to stay in our apartment I would betray Michael and I'm sorry for all the pain it caused, but adultery just isn't me. I could never do that. And so to stop myself, I left. _

_I know this is opening up old wounds, things we agreed to put behind us, but I've just realised, I've never actually told you about that night. My heart was breaking, there's no other way to put it. For us, for everything you and I could have been without Michael, and if I'm being honest, in a way for Michael as well, and all the things _we _could have been without you. Because I knew then that Michael and I were doomed. How could we be anything but, with the way I felt about you? Of course when he died, the guilt was overwhelming. You know me well enough to know how I must have felt. _

_Oh, and by the way, of course I knew you were trying to kiss me. I might not have had the courage to look at you, but I could feel every inch of your body, almost hear your heart racing. If I had given in then it would have been amazing but it would have never worked, not like that. The wrongness of it would have driven us apart. _

_So anyway, getting back to the original point, that's when I realised my feelings for you, and they've grown stronger and stronger ever since. Being apart from you is killing me, but think, it's less than a month now until we get to see each other. _Less than a month! _How utterly amazing is that? _

_I still haven't told anyone about us. Normally I would have told Abby but it's difficult at the moment. She hasn't apologised yet, not that I really expected her to. I know it isn't her who's behaving like that and saying those things, so I'm determined not let it prey on my mind. I thought that perhaps, when we do decide to break the news at County, I would tell Pratt first. It seems right, as he was Michael's best friend. I'm sure he would like to know first. What do you think? Not that I'm in any hurry to broadcast our little secret, I don't think there's any need to tell them until we've seen each other anyway. I like it being just us. If you want to tell people though, your parents and Brett, then go ahead. Although I would love to be there when you tell Brett. I can just imagine his reaction!_

_I think your idea of doing our research and putting our heads together on where we're going to live is a very, very good one. We've been going round in circles for several letters on it, you're right, and we won't get anything decided unless we're together. I won't say anything more for now, I'll leave it until the visit. That is, if I use my limited spare time to actually do my homework rather than writing letters to you!_

_I'm sorry to have had to ask for your reassurance about what Abby said. I really didn't mean to, but it's just one of those things that gets in your head and goes around and around until it's all you think about. But I listened to what you said and I believe you. I know how you feel about me, and that gives me the confidence and the security to believe in myself. So thank you for that, as well as so many other things. _

_And just for the record, there isn't any crippled rocker I'd rather be with than you, not ever. You're the one for me, and always will be. Even if, God forbid, things don't work out between us (not that I think they won't, in fact I'm sure they will, but just if it really does prove too hard) then it won't be because I stop loving you, because I will never, _ever _stop loving you. _

_Thank you for reading my last letter at sunset. The way you do small things like that for me just shows to me, as if I was in any doubt anyway, that you really will do anything for me. I promise that when I see you, I will make up for it in any way you want. _

_Oh, I was meaning to say, I've booked my flight. I arrive in Baton Rouge at 3:40 on the afternoon of Saturday the 25__th__ of August and I can stay until Friday the 7__th__ of September, and I fly out at around midday. Does that all sound all right? I know you said you'd organise things your end, but I'm more than happy to get a cab from the airport, your Mum doesn't have to be running around after me. I'm so excited though, I can't wait to be with you again. It's going to be the best two weeks ever._

_And on that exceedingly positive note, I will say goodbye for now. Let me know if there's anything you want me to do before the visit – I've got a box of your things from your locker (Pratt and Morris retired it by the way, they won't let anyone use it. In fact, there's only a very select few of us who are allowed to touch it!) but if there's anything else you want bringing down then give me a list or something. _

_See you soon, and take care of yourself_

_Neela xxx_


	16. August 2nd Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Just take note in the summary of this story, I've added that it's slightly AU; that seemed like a more accurate representation of it given the rather selective method I've employed with the facts and timeline of season fourteen. Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, as always, great to hear your views. Ray's backstory that I've used here is based vaguely upon the hints given in the deleted scene from season 12 with Ray and Clemente by the way. And incidentally, just to warn all of you who are looking forward to the meeting, remember these are _letters. _I don't want to set you up for a disappointment!

_Baton Rouge_

_August 2__nd__ 2007_

_Dear Doctor Jumbomart_

_I'm sorry, but I absolutely couldn't resist – would you really expect anything else from you?! You asked for that one. If it's any consolation, I promise not to call you that _too _often. Maybe only when we're in bed…? Okay, I'm not going to get any for a _long _time after that, am I?_

_I can't believe you've booked your flight. It makes it so… real. Not that that's a bad thing of course, it's fantastic, but forgive me, I still find it hard to believe sometimes that this really is happening. I mean, these letters, they mean the world to me, but they're just words, promises, and I'm not trying to hurt you with this, but I don't trust you anymore, not after everything. I will again, hopefully in the not too distant future, but there have been a hell of a lot of empty promises this last year and you've got a lot of making up to do._

_But when you do come down here, then that will be – I don't know exactly how to explain this, I'm not doing it very well, I know – it will be an action, something decisive, not just words, and that… I'm sorry, I can't really say any of this without triggering that guilt complex I know you have in you, but there's no point in being anything but honest. Actions from you as far as we're concerned have been pretty few and far between over the years, well, positive ones anyway, and that's what's driven me half crazy this year, but I feel like it's going to be different this time, I know it will be. _

_There, did that make any sense at all? Reading back over it, I don't think it did very much, but I can't seem to find the words to explain myself better. Maybe when I see you it will be easier, although I don't think it will matter by then. When you get here, I feel like none of this will matter, it really will be looking to the future then. _

_As for what you said about your leaving, I don't want to rake it all up again. All I can say is every thing that you tell me helps me to understand and piece it all together a bit more. It was all very painful, it still is, but time, and these letters, help a lot. I can see why you left that night, and I don't blame you for that, but as always with you, a bit of an explanation – keeping me in the loop – would have been nice. _

_On to happier subjects… I told Mom about us – at last! I thought as you were coming down here then I should probably put her in the picture. She was very happy to hear it, not that she'd ever have said, but I think she knew how I felt about you, even back when we were just roomies. And of course she will come and pick you up from the airport, neither of us would hear of you getting a cab. You're my guest Neela, I intend to look after you. And don't you dare argue! I haven't really made any plans, I hope you don't mind. If I'm honest, I'm still not up to anything very much, but there'll be plenty of PT sessions to go to if you still want to, beer and devil movies and the World Poker Tour of course, and I'd like to take you to the park where I read your letters – you'll like it there. Nothing too exciting I'm afraid, but I… I think it will be nice. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. _

_You asked me ages ago about my parents, and I never got round to answering you. As you're going to be here, then I guess it might help if you know. I know I never mentioned them much, but I didn't like to talk about it. Even now, I don't really _want _to talk about it, but you've been so open with me, so it seems only fair that I tell you stuff too._

_Dad was… Dad was a manic depressive. Well, not was, he still is. He always will be. When I was really young it was okay, he was on his meds and he was a great guy, I remember playing sports and stuff with him, listening to his old records – it was him who taught me how to how to play the guitar – and I thought he was the best dad in the world. I don't really know when he first came off his meds, I expect it happened more often than I noticed, but as I got a little older, I became aware of it. Running down the street and smashing all the neighbours' mailboxes up with a baseball bat is harder to hide from a ten year old than it is a five year old I guess. _

_But the weird thing was, I never blamed Dad. I remember being sat down and Mom explaining that Dad was sick and sometimes he did things that he didn't realise he was doing, and, acutely embarrassed though I was at having a crazy father, I always got that it wasn't his fault. I still idolised him as much as any boy idolises his father. _

_The bit that I never really got was that I blamed Mom. Somehow in my head she'd driven him to it. I don't know why I thought that, I really don't, but I was a scared kid and maybe I didn't understand as much as I thought I did. She tried her hardest, but she spent so much time looking after Dad, making sure he was taking his meds, trying to tidy up after him, help him keep whatever job he was threatening to be sacked from or to find him a new one when he did get sacked that somewhere along the way, she forgot to be a Mom. I always came second, _always. _And God, I hated her for that. _

_There were times, like the time Dad came after us – again with a baseball bat – one night after dinner and I was terrified, all I wanted her to do was protect me, but she didn't even think about how I felt, it was all concern for Dad. I mean, I was concerned for him too, but I think I wanted to feel like she cared for me the most. I don't know. Even now it's not exactly straight in my head, although it's getting better._

_As soon as I was old enough to get out of there, I did. I went home occasionally when I was in college – as Mom quite rightly said at the hospital, always with a load or three of laundry – but not as often as I should have done, and by the time I got to med school, even that had dwindled to just the odd Christmas or Thanksgiving when I couldn't find an excuse not to._

_They got divorced in the end. She still helps him out a lot, but the marriage itself died a long time ago. I think she was only staying with him for me, to try to give me the sort of family life that she thought I needed, although it didn't quite work out like that. In truth we might have been better off it had just been the two of us, but when Dad was having a good spell, I wouldn't have wanted any other guy for a father so I don't know. _

_Now, Dad's on his meds, and has been, Mom tells me, for quite a while. She says it's been nearly four years since he's had a really bad manic episode and I guess that's pretty good. Things with him I've learnt to just take as they come. He comes to visit me when he's in the area, but I know not to have any expectations; if he doesn't turn up then fine, he will some other time. _

_Mom and I are rebuilding things very slowly. Even though I know now none of it was her fault, I've had a lot of trouble forgiving her for it all. The shrink has helped a lot – you're not the only thing I had to talk to them about. She's been… she feels like a Mom again, that's the only real way I can explain it. It was absolutely terrible in those first days that I got back here, I was a sullen shit, angry and with no-one to take it out on but her, and she was devastated to see her only child broken to within an inch of his life. But once the shock wore of for both of us, and with a lot of talking, we're getting there. I don't know if we'll ever reach that mystical point of love, acceptance, mother-son bond that I guess we're searching for, but I… I'm glad I've been given this chance to repair things with her. I'd never have done it otherwise, I know, so…_

_Wow, I'm exhausted by all that. Some of it I haven't even told the shrink. I didn't tell you for sympathy Neela, and I don't want any from you, but I think you need to know what you're letting yourself in for. I mean, manic depression is hereditary, I can't guarantee that I won't pass it on to a child, or even that I don't have it myself. If Abby was in a better place right now, I'd tell you to talk to her about it. And I know I probably should have told you sooner, but I didn't want to jeopardise things with you. I can't lose you again Neela, but I'll warn you now, if you want to walk away, please do it immediately, no more stringing me along. I couldn't bear it. _

_I'm sorry that all this has come out now, but I've never told anyone all that. Brett knows a bit – he was my roommate at college, briefly, until he dropped out – but now no-one knows as much as you do, and it took a hell of a lot of courage, knowing that being honest with you about this could really be the death knell for us, but I thought about it long and hard, and I decided you _had _to know. I… I'm all talked out now, I'm sorry. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you again. _

_Love Ray_


	17. 6th August Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Yeah, I know that chapter was a bit different, but I don't think what they're doing would be an easy ride for them, especially Ray, and if you've seen the clip I mentioned in the last chapter, then I'm sure you'll agree that there had to be some sort of skeleton lurking in the Barnett family closet to fit with that.

_Chicago_

_6__th__ August 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_Oh God, I don't know what to say. I… I really don't, I'm lost for words. I – I'm sorry if you can't read my writing very well, but even now, I'm still shaking when I think of everything you told me. I… Right, sorry, I've got to pull myself together, else I'll be no bloody use to you at all. _

_First of all, can I apologise that I haven't replied sooner. I can imagine that you have been climbing the walls after telling me all that and having to wait so long for a response. I know I would have been, although to be honest, I can't really see myself being courageous enough to talk about something like that. I needed time to process it before I could write back to you I think, and as I'm sure you can tell, I'm still not really ready, but I couldn't leave you hanging any longer. I did think about calling you, but for some reason I feel that a subject as serious as this deserves something lasting like a letter. _

_I can't promise that any of what I'm going to say is going to be eloquent, or even coherent, but I shall do my best to make it make sense. I'm honoured, moved, touched, a thousand things that I don't know how to put into words, that you felt you could tell me. Even though you say you don't trust me as far as our relationship, I mean romantically, goes, the fact that you would share such a huge thing with me sort of tells me you trust me as a friend – correct me if I'm wrong – but that means the world to me, everything. When we first started these letters, I never dared hope that we were going to reach the point we have done now, all I wanted was to get that old closeness and friendship back between us, and trust was a big part of that. And there is some of it left, isn't there? _

_At the same time though, I am utterly heartbroken that you've been carrying all that around with you for so, so long and have been going through all those memories alone. I won't pretend that I know anything about what you must have gone through – to say that I do would be patronising, but medically, I do, and even though Abby doesn't talk about her Mum and brother very much, I know pieces of the story, enough to know it isn't pretty. _

_I… Oh Ray, I know you said you don't want my sympathy, but how I can I offer you anything else? I don't want to offend you, but it kills me that you've been alone on this for so long. I just… God, it probably wouldn't help, you probably are worried about far more important things than me, but I want to hold you, I want to tell you everything is going to be okay, I want to kiss it better. I know I can't, but if you'll let me, then I'll try for the rest of my life. _

_And that brings me on to the most important thing I wanted to say to you, and hopefully I'll get this out okay. When I said that I wanted to be with you, I meant it, for better for worse and all that – in sickness and in health. There'll be no more running away, not ever. And before you get some stupid thought in your head, it isn't because I feel obligated to stay with you because of what I've put you through or what you've been through in general, and even though you've thrown this huge thing into the mix, I still feel like I have to stick to my word. It's because you make me happier than I knew was even possible. You make me feel like the person I always wanted to be and never knew how to. You make my heart overflow with happiness. It sounds corny, but it's completely true. _

_I don't care… No, that isn't right, of course I _care, _I care about every little single thing to do with you, but it doesn't matter to me that your Dad is a manic depressive, that you might be, that our children might be. It doesn't change the way I think about you, except to perhaps I respect and admire you even more. There's an illness in your family, okay, but you're still you, and our children will still be our children, and it's every part of you that makes you the person you are. If that includes manic depression, then so be it. Yes, I honestly mean that. I _never _thought this was going to be easy, and if it's harder than I thought then, well, it doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you, not ever. _

_And remember, the age of onset for manic depression is usually the late teens or early twenties – if you started showing symptoms now (and you're not, are you?) then it would be unusual. Not impossible I know, but unusual. _

_Wow, I'm getting fairly ahead of things, aren't I? Our children? Are you as freaked out by that as I am?! Just in case you now have an urge to run screaming, I am talking entirely hypothetically, in some parallel grown up universe in which we would actually be capable of raising a child without perforating its eardrums with rock music or giving it food poisoning from "biohazard" cookies (you guys still aren't forgiven over that you know!) I might not be great with kids, but I think I read somewhere that you're not meant to feed them takeaways all the time – that would bugger us as parents really, wouldn't it?_

_Sorry, that was my pathetic attempt to lighten the mood a little. And I will try to move onto slightly less draining things in a minute, but I will say first, I'm really happy to hear you and your Mum are smoothing things out. I always knew you weren't close, but I never had the remotest idea that things had been so hard for you, and I'm so proud of you that on top of everything else, learning to walk again, that you've got the strength to do that. _

_I know what you mean about talking about this being exhausting. It's not even my story and writing this letter has left me feeling completely drained. Thank you for telling me Ray, all of it. I'm glad that you did. I can't say that all of it has entirely sunk in yet and maybe it won't until I see you but… I needed to know. _"We" _needed me to know. _

_I can't manage any more on that for now. I hope I have said enough to have reassured you that I'm not going to run away from you again. It's now less than three weeks until I'll be down there with you and then we can talk some more. More than anything, I just want to hold you, have you hold me, to be close to you. When I told you that you would get through this, I didn't know just how hard a journey you had ahead of you, but I don't doubt that you can do it. You can do anything Ray, you're my hero. _

_And as we're talking about the visit, tell your Mum thank you very much for her offer to come and pick me up, it's extremely kind of her and although I still maintain it's absolutely unnecessary, I'd be delighted to accept. The things you've got planned, well, not planned, sound wonderful. I can't thing of anything I would rather be doing, or anyone else I'd rather be with. Supporting you in your PT sessions is something I've been wanting to do from the outset, it's really important to me, and I'd love to just hang out like old times. The park sounds beautiful; I can't wait to go there. _

_I wanted to write more in this letter but after the depth and emotion in everything you said last time, I don't want to insult that by wittering on about my normal rubbish, it wouldn't be appropriate at all. Before I sign off though, I just want to ask, is everything okay? Notwithstanding the things you were talking about in your letter, you sounded different, angry. What you were saying, they were things that we've discussed, that I thought we were okay on. Not that you don't have every right to be mad at me, but… I didn't realise that you still were, that's all. If there's something you want to talk about, or that you want me to do, or just anything really, then please tell me. I'm right here, ready and waiting, and very soon, I'll be right there with you. I promise. _

_Your Neela xxx_

_PS. Don't think just because I haven't mentioned the use of "Doctor Jumbomart" that you're going to get away with it!! _


	18. August 11th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Hey there folks, sorry I haven't been around on here lately, you know how it is. I thought I'd ease my way back in with a letter but expect new chapters of Pushing Charts and Back to the Beginning soon. As it's been a while and I'm a bit out of practise, all reviews are even more appreciated than they usually are. I don't think this is my best work, but I was missing writing stuff on here, so I thought I'd tap something out and see how it went.

_Baton Rouge_

_August 11__th__ 2007_

_To My Roomie_

_I'm sorry my last letter was so… I didn't really mean for it all to come out like that, but I guess given the subject matter, it was kind of inevitable. You were absolutely right of course, I wasn't my usual self at all. I'd had a crap day, PT was terrible – I took a bad fall, which hurt like Hell, and they wouldn't let me do any walking for the rest of the session. Then I came home and Mom was nagging me about the state of the room like I was ten years old, and Dad was meant to be coming over and never showed and… you know._

_It was just one petty little thing on top of another and I got mad and took it out on you. What with the bad PT session and Mom treating me like a kid, I felt like such an invalid, a cripple, and when I get in a mood like that, all those insecurities that I work so hard to keep in check always creep up on me. All the same, it's good to hear your reassurance. Sometimes I still need it. _

_I hope I didn't worry you too much with it all. If I did, I'm sorry. And even now you know all that stuff, please don't let it pray on your mind. It took quite a lot of effort to muster up the guts to tell you all that, but I'm glad it's all out in the open, and I'm a bit more okay about it than I sounded in the letter. It's sort of always there, under the surface, but it only rears its ugly head from time to time. I'm certainly not offended by your sympathy, I know in what way you mean it, that it isn't pity. _

_I want to try to lighten things up a bit, we get to see each other in just fourteen days, and I'm excited as Hell, but before I get onto that, there's a couple of serious things I want to say. _

_One is; I do trust you. To say I'm back where I was would be a lie, but these letters have meant so much to me, we've both put so much of ourselves into them, that I know we're not going back and that you won't put me through that again. When I gave you the out in my last letter, I didn't expect you to take it; I know we're beyond that now. I'm sure we're going to have a million, much harder, things to face, but I trust you when you say we're going to face them together. I just wanted you to know that. I don't know if you were in any need of reassurance on that point, but I thought I'd say it anyway. _

_The other thing is… Children. The idea of that doesn't freak me out, not even a little bit. I have to confess, I am a bit freaked out by the fact that I'm not freaked out (if that makes sense!) but when I look at the future – which is a hell of a lot brighter than the future I thought I was looking at a few months ago – and I see us together, maybe with a kid, some kids, whatever, and, well, to borrow one of your admittedly very corny phrases, it makes my heart sing with happiness. I hope that doesn't scare you. To be honest, I don't think it does, I think you were being flippant to try not to scare _me

_Well, I'm not scared. I love you, and I would be so honoured to be the father of your children. I know I'm jumping the gun by about five or ten years here, but what the hell? We've wasted three years and look where that's got us, so the way I see it is there's no point in beating around the bush, is there? We agreed to absolute honesty, and that's me being absolutely honest (maybe a little too honest). And I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that if I ever had children, they may inherit the manic depression. That I am a little scared about, I admit, but not half as scared as I was that it would be an issue for you. _

_But enough of the serious stuff for now. Pretty soon (only fourteen days, did I mention that?!) we're going to have the opportunity to talk about things like that face to face. On the subject of things up for discussion, have you had any ideas on places we could move to? I know we agreed to save it for when you came down here, but curiosity is getting the better of me. I have a few ideas, some pretty conventional ones and a couple that I have to admit are a little left field. I don't know if they're really a good idea or not, but I'll wait and see what you think. _

_I don't know what else to talk about really. I spoke to Brett last night, things are going pretty well in L.A. They're hoping to record an album soon. He, uhh, well, let's just say, we're planning a little surprise for you when you come down here. You'll almost certainly hate it, but annoying you has always been part of the fun! _

_How's things at work? God, I miss them all. I went for a drink the other day with a few buddies I've made at the rehab center, a couple of patients and a couple of the physical therapists who are younger guys and pretty cool, but even though I had a great time, I couldn't help wishing I was in Ike's with Pratt and Morris. Tell them I say hi, okay? I haven't spoken to them for a while, get them to call me. Whenever I try them, they never answer or are too busy to talk for long – the joys of being an attending, huh? And how's Abby getting along; are things still the same? Is Luka back yet? I hope so. _

_Look, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut this letter short. I wanted to write pages of incredibly witty and entertaining banter to cheer you up after the dampner I put on things with my last letter, but I'm picking my car up from the garage today. I forgot to tell you, but I've had it adapted so I can get myself around the place and not be so reliant on Mom the whole time. It's still not ideal; because it's an SUV it's too high off the ground to get in and out of with the chair on my own but the chair is only temporary so it'll work out fine. And to be honest, I'm looking forward to just going for a drive. Wherever I want, to just… drive and get out on my own. _

_Anyway, if I don't sign off now I'll be late, so here's to hoping the next fourteen days are the quickest ever._

_Love Ray_

_PS What are you gonna do about the Doctor Jumbomart thing? I'm looking forward to finding out!_


	19. 15th August Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I started a new chapter of Pushing Charts the other day but it just wasn't working so I've left it for now. I'll get back to it sometime but I'm going away for a week tomorrow and I thought it would be nice if I could give you a little something to be going along with, so here you go. Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one.

_Chicago_

_15__th__ August 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_Thank you for your last letter, it was so, _so _good to hear from you. Not that it isn't always, but I couldn't help but worry about you after everything you said and now you're sounding so much more upbeat and like yourself and... Listening to you then just makes me feel like _myself _again, and it's been so very long since I've felt like that that I'd forgotten what it was like, and I'm _really _looking forward to remembering more, and if I can help you remember who you are too, then even better._

_What means a lot to me as well is that after all that you told me, all that you're going through yourself and raking everything up in the letter, you are still more concerned about trying to make me feel better than anything else. God, you're wonderful. You really are, and I – And I can't wait to see you._

_When I get down there, we'll talk about your dad and everything, I mean, if you want to. No pressure or anything, but if you feel up to it, then I'd like to share it with you. Same goes for the PT naturally, but we've already talked about that a lot and you know I'll be right there at every one of your sessions for the whole time I'm there. And I know you know this even better than I do, but there will be good days and not so good ones; try not to let the bad ones get to you. And when they do, then shout and yell at me all you like if it helps. Of course, I'd rather you told me where it hurts and why it hurts and how it hurts and let me hold you until it stops hurting again, but I know that it's not going to be like that every time, and that's fine. _

_It's only ten days now. Ten days until I see you again. I would tell you how excited I am but I think you know, and I wouldn't be able to put it into words anyway. I'm already getting nervous, good nervous of course, but I can feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about being near you again and I feel like I did when I was a little girl the night before my birthday, or getting ready for my first ever date, or every time I've held an envelope in my hands with results to exams or tests or placements. Except this time, it's so much more important. All those times, I thought it what was about to happen was the most important thing in my life, but none of that was. This is. You. You are the one thing that matters to me above everything, even being a doctor and you know what that means to me so… I know this isn't the first time I've said something along these lines in these letters, but this time, it isn't about reassurance or the fact that it needs to be out in the open. This is because it's true, and because I want you to know that's how I feel, and because I want you to feel the same. There, there's nothing careful or measured about that. Just me. _

_My flight is a Untied Airlines flight, flight number BR982 and as I think I've said in a previous letter, lands at 1540. If your mum is still kind enough to come and pick me up then that would be much appreciated, but if not, let me know and I'll get a cab. Wow, it makes it so real, doesn't it? Well, it is real – I'm looking at my ticket right now – but it's still kinda weird. Fantastic though. We've been officially together for one month and one day now (okay, I'm a girl, I count these things) and I want to get to see my new boyfriend. _

_I still haven't told anyone at County. My parents know now though; I was talking to my mum on the phone a couple of days ago and she said I was sounding happier than normal and that she was really pleased because I sounded more like her Neela again. We're not hugely close, certainly not with emotional stuff, but she can be sweet sometimes and she just said the right things and before I knew it, it all came tumbling out, well, the good bits anyway._

_It was nice to share it with someone and I suppose that's what mums are for. They're really happy for me, for us. Over the last few years, since they came to visit that time after I'd dropped out of Michigan (wow, I didn't even know you then, I can't imagine that now) they've come to terms with the fact they simply don't have a nice dutiful daughter who is going to make a nice conventional marriage like my sisters and cousins have. We get on better now they take me for who I am, not who they want me to be, so it was really nice to get their approval. I would say that I'd like to introduce you, but my dad's going to hate you so I think we'll hold off on that for a while. Haha, sorry, but he is. To him you're still a loud irresponsible rock star wannabe who did his best to interrupt my oh so important studying and work. But mum says she told him I was happy and he smiled, so I think we're going to be okay!_

_I thought I might tell Pratt before I left, I'm not sure yet. I think he, and Morris as well, would like to know, but part of me wants to wait until after I've seen you. I know I should tell Abby but… we'll see. I don't know. If I tell them, I bet they'll find the time to give you a call! I did nag them by the way and they said they were really sorry. They've got their specialists boards coming up soon and what with trying to hold the ER together and studying and personal stuff I think not having the time is actually a valid excuse at the moment. _

_And good news on the County front… Luka is back. It was great to see him actually, and everyone's reactions when he came in, people just seemed to, I don't know, light up a bit. He was sorely missed, and you are too. I can't even imagine what they would all be like if you walked in. I don't know about Abby, but I'm sure having Luka back will help. The drinking though, it won't just go away, I know it doesn't work like that so I'm just hoping and praying for the best. _

_Why do I feel a vague, well actually, not so vague, sense of trepidation when you say that you and Brett are planning something? Something tells me it's going to involve beer, loud music, more beer and some sort of brush with the law, which worries me as it is obviously going to involve me as well. Please don't get too carried away! Actually, on reflection, what the Hell, why not, we're only young once. Plan whatever you like, just make sure you have someone lined up to bail us out… You know those nerves I mentioned earlier – out of control!!_

_That's great news about your car, I'm sure it will make such a difference to you. Thinking of your car makes me smile now, with that evening in the snow. I've never been kissed like that before, it was so beautiful, so… loving. _

_You know what, I'm going to end it on that. I hope you're in the park or watching the sun set or something beautiful like that and think back on that moment now – just that moment, not before it or what happened after it – and just take a second to remember it, savour it. I just did, and it was amazing._

_Take care, and see you in ten days,_

_Neela xxxx_


	20. August 20th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I would apologise for being so rubbish at updating but I expect you're all eternally bored of hearing that from me now on the rare occasions I do get round to writing something so I'm just going to get on with giving you a long awaited new chapter.

_Baton Rouge_

_August 20__th__ 2007_

_To My Roomie_

_It was good to hear from you too. It's always good to hear from you. I was in the park when I was reading your letter actually. It was one of those obscenely hot afternoons with a thunderstorm brewing that you can just smell in the air – maybe it's the Southern boy in me coming out there, but I just love that – and I read the letter. You _are _helping me to remember who I am in a way, but more than that, you're helping me find out the sort of person I want to be in the future as well, and I think that's the most important thing. You've helped me look towards a future that I had given up hope of having._

_When you asked me to, I thought about the kiss in the car. I… I find it really hard to separate it out from the rest of the stuff. I know I should be able to, but I think I'm a little too emotionally invested in this to be able to do that. Not that I'm implying you're not, I just mean… well, I'm not sure exactly what I mean, but what I think I'm trying to say is that I've been with so many girls who meant pretty much nothing to me, so for me the reason that that kiss was the best and most amazing thing I have ever, ever experienced was because it was with you. Because it had taken us so long to get there, and because at that moment I was so full of hope for what could happen between us (correctly as it turned out, although maybe I could have done without the in between bit) – that's why it was so… I love you Neela. I do. That's… I don't know, I'm rambling a bit now. I'll be seeing you on Saturday, we can talk then and hopefully I'll be making a little more sense face to face._

_And onto Saturday. Don't worry, everything is all sorted for you to be collected at the airport – Flight BR982, arriving at 1540. It's written on a post-it note stuck to the fridge for all, well, me and Mom, to see. And I would tell you how excited I am to be seeing you so crazily soon but I think I've already proved with this letter that I'm not at my charming, smooth tongued, quick witted, and eloquent best so I'm gonna wait til Saturday and when I see you, I'm gonna smile at you so damn widely and then you'll know, just in case you didn't already, just how I feel about you._

_Okay, I have a confession to make. I don't want you to be mad at me, because I know you wanted to tell him because of Michael and everything but Pratt called last night, and I… I'm so sorry, but I had to tell him. He knew you had some leave due and he guessed you must be coming down here and well, he was kinda who I spoke to about you last year, not that I spoke much, but still, he knew, and he started asking me what the deal was and… Oh, you know, I just couldn't keep it in. I was suddenly desperate to share the best, happiest thing in my life so I'm really sorry if you're mad at me. I could probably think of a way to make it up to you though…_

_Anyway, I'm going to hold that thought (only for five more days though!) He was made up for us. He didn't say anything about Michael – that's a conversation that you and he can have, it's not really about me, is it? – but he said that he thought it was about damn time and that he hoped we'd have a good couple of weeks together. So yeah, he knows. I said that we were keeping it quiet for now so he won't go issuing a press release but I guess it's only a matter of time before they all know so…_

_I'm glad you told your Mom by the way. I don't mind that it took you until now, but it sort of seems right that our families know, like it's official. Oh, and just for the record, I'm not meeting your Dad _ever. _Dads don't like me in general, so I really don't fancy my chances with yours. _

_I've been for a drive; I've been for a lot of drives actually. Mom has to help me a bit getting in the car, which I hate of course, but I do my best not to bite her head off, and she tries not to fuss too much, so we've reached a tolerable medium. The driving is great though. It's taken a bit of getting used to, I've had to have a few lessons and stuff (driving lessons – that was weird) but now I can just crank the music up and just go off somewhere. I usually stop in a parking lot somewhere remote, out in the country and wind down the window and it's fantastic. I can pretend that if I wanted to I could just get out of the car and walk and – _

_And I know that I shouldn't really be thinking like that because at the end of the day, I'm thankful to be alive, and so incredibly lucky with what I have in my life now, but there is still a part of me that wishes the accident didn't happen. It's not a part that I dwell on, or even think about at all some days, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I think it always will be, but it's not something depressing or that eats away at me. I'm not sure how to explain it, just a little wistful feeling of what might have been. Like I say, it's nothing major, but sometimes I see a father and son playing soccer in the park and I think about whether I'm going to be able to do that sort of thing. And then I remember that you're better at soccer than me anyway so you can do that while I sit on a bench and teach one of our other kids play the guitar. _

_Don't worry about mine and Brett's little plan. It will be fun, I promise. There will be beer, loud music, and more beer, but I'm not anticipating a brush with the law. This is Brett though, so I'll make sure I have someone on bail standby! Not sure who it's going to be though, if it's not you!_

_And on the subject of "plans", I have a little fine tuning to do, so to speak, so I will have to love you and leave you for the moment. I can't wait until Saturday, I'll see you then._

_Love Ray _

_PS I know I'm wonderful. So are you. _


	21. 23rd August Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: There, another chapter for you within a month of the last one – it must be a miracle! This is a short chapter by the way, but that's the nature of this particular letter. The next one will be much longer.

Just to say, I haven't forgotten about Pushing Charts and Back to the Beginning, but I can't get my head around them at all at the moment. I've come to an absolute brick wall on Pushing Charts and I am chipping away at a new chapter of Back to the Beginning but as always, time is my greatest enemy, so please bear with me. And if the lack of updates are driving you crazy, then bug me about it; I respond well to guilt trips! By the way, if anyone has any ideas that might kick start my inspiration on Pushing Charts, then please let me know. Your help would be appreciated.

_Chicago_

_23__rd__ August 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_Okay, this is only going to be a quick note because as from Saturday, we're going to have all the time in the world to talk for the next two weeks, so I'll try not to ramble on for too long now. _

_The main reason I'm writing is to reassure you that I'm not mad that you told Pratt about us. I completely understand the overwhelming desire to shout this from the rooftops, believe me, so don't worry about it at all. And you have just as much right to tell him as I do, he's your friend as much, if not more, than mine. I know I thought because of Michael I should discuss it with him, but I feel that you and I have come on since then and my guilt over Michael is… receding. _

_Anyway, I have spoken to him about it now, and you're right, he's really pleased for us. He said that he thought that's what Michael would have wanted, for me to be happy with someone who loved and cherished me like I deserved (his words, not mine – I happen to think you love and cherish me _far _more than I deserve) and that's you, so. After I spoke to Pratt, I told Morris as well. It didn't seem fair that one of them knew and the other didn't. He was typically overexcited and had to be threatened with pain/death to keep him quiet, but he thought it was great news too. He's going to call you, if he hasn't already. _

_I haven't told Abby, or anyone else for that matter, that I'm coming to see you. Everyone apart from Morris and Pratt thinks I'm going to London, although I think Dubenko probably suspects otherwise. Abby is still rather wrapped up in herself, she doesn't seem quite right even though Luka's back so I don't think it the drinking has stopped yet. I feel bad leaving her like this, but at the same time, until she asks for help, I know there's nothing I can do. That's the way it works. _

_I'm not going to ask any more about you and Brett and what you're planning. I really don't want to know. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best!_

_Right, that'll do for now. I'm looking forward so _so SO _much to seeing you on Saturday, the day after tomorrow. I can't wait to go for a drive with you, go to the park with you, just to be with you. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep with the excitement between now and then._

_Until then,_

_Neela xxx_


	22. September 8th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter; I know it was a very short one, but I promise, this one will make up for it! So in return, please lots of reviews! This particular chapter, and the next one as it happens, are two of the key chapters that I've had in my mind pretty much since the outset of this story. I know that you were all very much hoping for the visit to be included in the story, but as I have said, these are letters, so that was never going to happen, but this is my way of telling the story of the visit. I hope you aren't too disappointed! By the way, the rating on this chapter is slightly T+.

_Baton Rouge _

_September 8__th__ 2007_

_To my amazing, beautiful Neela_

_I hope you've found this letter okay. I'm gonna hide it in the surgical journal you brought with you to read on the plane, so if my master plan has worked, right now as you're looking at this, you're winging your way back to Chicago, for now at least. I miss you already as I'm writing, and you haven't even left yet. _

_Now, follow my orders: sit back, and get the attention of one of the air stewardesses. Done that? Good, now order yourself a drink, a vodka and tonic maybe? Something to relax with. Okay, stop reading until you've got it, and taken a sip. There, better? All right, on with the letter. This is going to be a long one, hence the drink… You'll see._

_These have been the best, best two weeks of my life, bar none. Last night especially, but the whole two weeks have been wonderful, so I'll get on to that later. _

_I hope I don't wake you up as I'm writing this. Having said that, I just made a hell of a racket getting out of bed and over here to the desk, so if that didn't wake you, nothing will! In fact, I'm looking over at you now, and you're fast asleep. You look very beautiful by the way, your hair is fanned out on my pillow and your mouth is curved up into this sweet little smile and if I didn't want to write this letter to you so damn much, believe me I would be right back there beside you as fast as these fancy new legs would carry me. _

_Right, before I get carried away with that particular thought, I'm going to get back to the writing, as there's so much I want to say to you and knowing Mom, she will have some eggs and bacon going only too soon and I know there's nothing like the smell of some good crispy bacon to wake you in the morning!_

_Seeing your face when you saw me standing there at the arrivals gate made all the work I've had to put into my rehab, all the pain, more than worth it. That smile nearly knocked me right back off my feet again, I swear. It was a good surprise, though, wasn't it? I have had to work pretty hard for it, but there's nothing like having a goal to work towards, and being ready for your visit was a fantastic incentive. Okay, I know it was slightly less effective when you came close enough to see the walking frame, but hey, I work hard, not work miracles!!_

_Having you come to my PT sessions with me has been an amazing boost as well. I know you understood the hard work, the good days/bad days thing, but I feel that now you've been there with me that you really… That there's nothing I can't tell you about it, about anything. It was a shame that the first session was one of the hard ones, but that's the way it goes. _

_I could see you trying not to cry when I fell over, and all I wanted to do was hold you right then. The falls don't hurt as much as they look like they do, or put it another way, I've fallen so many times that I don't feel the pain anymore. Watching you upset was far worse. _

_I don't want you to worry about that when you're back in Chicago. Yes, the PT is hard and there are bad days, but having you there helped me get through it so much better than just the thought of you does. I feel like I've come on in leaps and bounds – metaphorically more than literally, but I'm getting there on that one too! – since I've had you here to support me. Well, you can see the progress I've made. In these two weeks, I've hardly used the chair at all, and last Wednesday was the first time I've tried crutches rather than the walking frame. I can't say that I'm looking forward to having a session without you now I've gotten so used to you being there, but now I'm even more motivated, if that was possible, to get myself better so we can get on with our lives. _

_Wow, we've done so many things together these last two weeks I don't know where to start. It was great that you brought the CD with you, it was the perfect thing to listen to as we were driving around, even if that means I was subjected to an indecent amount of KC and the Sunshine Band! I liked the picnic day, I loved the time we drove down to the coast, I just had so much fun spending time with you. I don't think I've laughed so much in years. _

_I could talk for hours about all the good stuff, but hey, you were here too, I don't need to go through it all again, fun though it would be to relive the last two weeks day by day, but I'll save that for when you're gone. I'll sit out on the porch at sunset like we did every evening and watch the colours play in the sky and remember the way they reflected in your eyes and think about how perfect this time has been, but for now, there's the serious things to discuss. _

_The Big Move, as we christened it. Did we actually achieve anything more in all those times we talked about it than we did in the letters? I'm not sure we did! Not Baton Rouge, and not Chicago, even though both places now hold a lot of memories for us. I'm glad you agree with me about going somewhere new, I'm so excited about that. I see what you mean about London. When I came up with that one, I think my head was filled with too much good old British punk rock and didn't think about the practicalities of living in the same country, let alone the same city as your family. If you say you love them more from a distance, then that's fine, I'm good to go along with that. (Yes, I'm still petrified at the prospect of your father.) I quite liked Vegas, I thought that would be fun, but okay "Mom", that one's out. What's wrong with going to see a Celine Dion show every night? I thought you'd enjoy that?! Okay, I'm messing around now._

_I was surprised you suggested L.A. but it would be great to be near Brett and Nick. I think that idea could definitely be a goer, and it looks like there's plenty of good residency spots available for both of us. One to think about. New York sounded all right, maybe Houston but I think I'm leaning towards L.A. at the moment. Not Miami. Imagine this – it's a Sunday morning, and for the first time in forever, neither of us have to work. I've been to the kitchen and got us both some coffee and a bowl of cereal each, and we settle down for a nice lazy day in bed (well, the _entire _day might not be lazy as such but you see where I'm going with this.) Then as we eat breakfast, we absent mindedly turn on the TV, only to be greeted by KERRY WEAVER. No thanks!!_

_Part of me though, thinks this is an opportunity to do something really exciting and _new. _Somewhere totally different, not the States. I don't know why I think that, I really don't, but how cool would Australia or New Zealand be? Even doing some stuff with Doctors Without Borders has crossed my mind, although our residencies mean that couldn't be a long term thing, and I don't know how practical that would be for me, but I'm tempted to ask Luka what he thinks about it. Obviously I'm a long way off being able to do something like that, but don't you think it would be exciting? I think it might help me as well, just to emphasise, in case I didn't get it already, how lucky I really am and how much I have to be thankful for. I know you were sceptical, but just don't discount it yet, there's plenty of time, a good year or so I should think, for you to consider it, and I'd never go anywhere without you, so I guess this is one to mull over some more. _

_Talking about my Dad and all that was exhausting. I mean, I'm glad I shared that with you and I feel so much better for it, but still, it was hard. I know Mom talked to you about it too. I'm not sure why, but that night you cooked (ha, it still amuses me that you actually cooked us food that a.) didn't poison us and b.) actually tasted like food) and I was out in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, I know she was telling you about it. I didn't overhear you or anything, I just… I don't know, I sensed it. I guess because he pulled another of his famous no-shows that it was bound to come up. I hope she didn't go making any excuses for him though. I don't need to know what she said by the way, I don't even particularly want to, I just… I'm glad she can talk to you about it. Between Dad and me, she never had time for friends, and I know she would have loved to have had a daughter so I love it that you get on well together. _

_I hope you had fun last night, well I know you did, because you kept saying so. You know, the band had a _lot _of gigs back in Chicago, just because they weren't especially in your honour you might have still had a good time if you'd shown up once in a while!! It was amazing to be playing again, and to be playing for you. You looked stunning by the way. All the time I was up there on the stage, I didn't take my eyes off you even for a second because I just couldn't. The way you danced, the way you looked in that black shirt, the way I could see your skin where you'd left the top couple of buttons undone, the way your hair fell around your shoulders, _everything _had me utterly transfixed. God, you were incredible. Every man in there was jealous of me, and I was as proud as hell of you. Proud to have a girlfriend like you. _

_I'm… God, this is awkward. I'm sorry the night didn't turn out the way you wanted, the way we both wanted. Because trust me, I really _really _wanted it to happen, I wanted you. I'm looking at you sleep now, and I still want you. I just… couldn't quite go the whole way. Not yet. I have no idea why, I just know I'm not ready for that yet. It's not you, I guess I'm just still a little scared. I don't trust my body enough yet to let go like that, not even with you, but I know now I will be able to in time. Next time. _

_Okay, for the next part, make sure whoever you're sitting next to isn't looking over your shoulder right now, and try not to blush too much. Finally being allowed to hold you in my arms, to be able to kiss you and touch you and feel your body lying next to me was more than I had ever hoped for though, and it was phenomenal. Feeling your skin on my skin, so soft and smelling so fabulously of you was just… The way you kissed me – everywhere – blew my mind. The way all I had to do was barely touch you and you cried out my name. The way… My God, I'm going to have to stop just thinking about it. I hope you're a little hot and flustered yourself right now! _

_I know you have rules about what can be committed to paper in these letters and what can't, and that that just broke pretty much all of them, but I am trying to make a point here. I know we didn't actually make love (and I've never called it that before – that's how special you are!) but sharing those intimate things with you, being able to savour your body in reality rather than just my dreams was maybe the most important part of the healing process that I've gone through so far. It… wiped the slate clean. Everything that happened in Chicago I can truly let go now, because I know that however awful it was at the time, it has led us to this point, and I can't think of anywhere I want to be more. _

_There, I said this was going to be a long letter, but I think I have just about reached the end now. I'll be fit enough by Christmas to come to Chicago so if the invite for me and Mom still stands, then we would love to accept. It was touching for you to ask her as well, and I know she appreciated it. I do too. And I can't wait to see you then. How I'm going to get through the next three and a half months without seeing you is beyond me, but still, I'm sure the time will go quickly. _

_Let me know how everyone at County reacts when you tell them about us. Say that I'm doing well, and that I'll be in Chicago for Christmas and will stop by to see them all then. _

So _much love,_

_Ray_

_PS. I know I haven't talked about the most important thing you said to me, but I'm still overwhelmed by it, even though it was almost the very first thing you said and that you've told me a thousand times a day since then. I understand completely that you wanted to say it to me for the first time in person, and I'm so glad that you did. To hear those words coming from your lips was… I can't find words to describe how that made me feel. All I can say is that I love you more than I knew it was possible to love someone, and I always will, and now you've said the same to me, I could die right this second a happy man. I hope I won't – there's so much left to enjoy with you – but I could. _

_PPS. I hope this was a better read than the journal! _


	23. 8th September US Airspace

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews (particularly the pointing out of the typo - grammar and spelling I can do but spotting my own typos? Not a chance!) I'm glad you all seemed to enjoy the last chapter, and this is the equivalent from Neela. As always, please let me know your thoughts.

_Somewhere in the US airspace, probably over southern Illinois_

_8__th__ September 2007_

_To my beloved Ray_

_Oh Ray, oh I don't know what to say. Yes, of course I found the letter, and it was wonderful; I'm going to keep it forever. Before I say anything else, there's just something I have to write. I've wanted to put it in every single letter I've written to you, but I knew it was right to wait until I saw you. But now…_

_I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU_

_You get the picture right?_

_Having the opportunity to say those words to you was not only the greatest honour I have ever experienced but as I was saying them, I got this intangible feeling that every single little thing in my life so far was part of a journey that led me inexorably closer and closer to that moment there with you. I got the same feeling the night in the car back in Chicago, and at the wedding before Hope interrupted us, but when I told you I loved you, I knew that that was the moment, the one moment that I've been waiting for forever. _

_Seeing you standing – standing! – at the gate waiting for me was incredible. I think my legs almost gave away at the sight of your smile right then. I was looking out for your Mum, I thought maybe you might be in the car or if you had made it to the gate, that you'd be in your chair, but… It was the best welcome, the best surprise you could possibly have given me. And I was so bloody proud of you as well. I know how much effort you must have put in to your recovery to be able to do that in just over four months, and I also know how exhausted you were that evening, even though you did your best to hide it, so I just want to say thank you, _so _much, and to let you know I appreciate the full worth of the gesture, and love that you wanted to do it for me. And love you for doing it. _

_I know I'm going to get carried away with pretty much everything I say to you in this letter, so I'll say now – please thank your Mum for her hospitality. It was very kind of her to have me to stay for a whole fortnight, and extremely kind of her not to accept any money; I really didn't expect to stay and pay nothing for food and all that. Tell her I'm letting her get away with it only because I'm going to make up for it at Christmas. I wish we could do something for Thanksgiving too, but there's no chance of me being able to get both holidays off, so I'll plump for Christmas. _

_You're right, at times I did find it incredibly difficult to watch your PT sessions; it was very hard to have to stand there and watch you fall, not help you or catch you. And it hurt, a lot, to see you hurting, but at the same time, I'm so moved that you wanted to share such a personal journey with me. It was remarkable to see you actually be able to walk and to be honest, that was just as likely to make me cry as the falling over did._

_I have to admit, after that first session, I was petrified that they were all going to be like that and that I was going to have to see your face contort with pain and anger every single day. Your Mum was a great help with that. I think she must have sensed when we came back that day that it had been one of the bad ones and when you went to lie down she told me that even though some of the time watching you in those sessions gave her the feeling that her heart was in a vice, most of the time it made her heart fill with pride and love and respect and after two weeks experiencing that with you, I know exactly what she means and I feel the same. _

_The Big Move. I don't know, I really don't. L.A., New York, Houston, I'd be happy with all of those. When this all becomes public, I'm sure Dubenko would be happy to help us find some good positions; he has a lot of connections and if I was to ask him, he would at the least get us some names and numbers to call. I'm glad you're not going to fight me on London, I'm sorry, but you understand. For me, that would represent a backwards step in my life and all I want to do is look to the future with you. And we're not even discussing Vegas anymore. I'm not living in Las Vegas. _

_Your emigration idea… well, it daunts me more than anything else. I've already done that once, and although it brought me to you, I can't deny it wasn't very, very lonely for a lot of the time. I don't think you really appreciate how far away another continent really is, well, how can you? Plus you're the type that makes friends easily, settles wherever, instantly accepted and I'm just not. I always find it difficult. It's taken me years to truly make friends in the States and I'm not sure I can bring myself to start over again, even with you by my side. _

_Maybe we could compromise? Canada? British Columbia is meant to be very beautiful, and I'm sure a city the size of Vancouver would have plenty of hospitals, plenty of vacancies. I'm not sure how our residencies would transfer into a move to a different country though – I guess it's something we'll have to look into._

_I guess the Doctors Without Borders work is another form of compromise. I'll be frank on that one – it terrifies me beyond words. There are some dangerous places in the world and the thought of something happening to you… my heart literally stops for a second, and my blood feels like its turning to ice in my veins. On my first day in the ER at County, I took a call from Africa to say Luka was dead. Of course, it turned out to be wrong, but at the time I didn't know who he was, why he was in Africa, why my new colleagues should care, but to see their faces, to see Abby's face. I'll never forget. I don't want that to be you. I can't live without you Ray, and I never want to have to try. I know it's something we could do together, experience together, and in many ways I can see the attractions of it, but I can't help thinking about what may go wrong. Remember, you're the brave one, I'm not much of a risktaker. I don't want to stamp on your dreams, but I'm going to take some convincing about this one. _

_I'll make a confession now. I don't sleep well anymore – night shifts combined with too much coffee and too many thoughts to mull over these days – and every night I would lie awake and watch you sleep. Some nights, the moon would angle in and illuminate your face, ghostly pale but so beautiful and I would almost cry with gratitude at how lucky I am to be with someone as inspirational, fabulous and loving as you are. Sometimes, I would lean over and kiss your forehead and you would smile in your sleep._

_I don't mind that we didn't… You know. Sorry, I'm being shy. Just being able to feel your arms around me was enough for now, I'd never want to rush you into anything that you didn't feel up to yet. And when it does happen, it will be even more special for it. Just so you know though, I can't wait. When I felt your hot breath on the side of my neck, your arms wrapped around my body, pulling me so close to you, I could barely breathe with need for you. The way _you _kissed _me – _everywhere – oh Ray, do you have any idea what you do to me? _

_The gig was a fantastic surprise, and it was such a fun night, great to spend time with Brett and Nick again (God, did I really just admit that?) I must say, I was a bag of nerves when you told me to meet you at the bar but it turned out to be a brilliant night, and the best send off for me that you could possibly have planned. Apart from your CD, I've never been serenaded before, it made me feel… well, pretty embarrassed to begin with to be honest, but amazing. I can't believe your music used to bug me so much; you guys are actually not too bad at all, are you? I also absolutely cannot believe you made them sing Brown Eyed Girl. You had to pay them a hell of a lot for that, right?_

_Seeing you standing up there on that stage was incredible Ray. I can't believe you managed to stay on your feet for over an hour, I'm so, so proud of you. I was so proud that you could stand up there, just like you were always able to before, after everything that you have been through, and be as full of life as always. When you left Chicago, you were hurt and broken, and I had done that to you, and last night you were able to stand in front of a room full of people and sing about love as if you truly believed in it. I felt pride, respect, guilt, atonement, love… A thousand million things that I can't even put into words, let alone on paper. I may never be able to find those words, but I swear to you Ray, every day for the rest of my life, I'll show you how I feel about you. _

_When your Mum talked to me about your Dad, I think it was one of the most moving things during my entire trip, and that's saying a lot. That she trusted me, and felt comfortable with me to talk to me about something so personal to her… Again, I don't know what to say. If you don't want to know what we spoke about, then that's fine, just let me say that I think both you and your mother are incredible, strong people for whom I have infinite respect, and I feel honoured to know you both. _

_There, that's all the big things I wanted to talk about. I think the reason this trip has been so special, so wonderful, is all the little things that we've done together as well. Like the time we went for the picnic in the park, and you showed me where you sit and read my letters, and you accidentally hit that poor woman with the champagne cork. And the other night, when the guys from the band were over and we had the barbeque and more beer than I think I have ever, ever drunk – I thought your Mum was going to go mad when Nick puked on her rosebed. Going on all those drives along those remote and empty roads (and as I wrote the rules about what can and cannot be committed to paper, I'm not going to go over what happened in that car park, although, modest though I am, I'm _sure _you haven't forgotten - !) I just loved the evenings as well, dinner and chatting with your Mum, lots of World Poker Tour on the television. I loved sitting on the porch as the sun was setting most of all, it was probably the most beautiful view I've ever seen. Waking up next to you every morning was just amazing – feeling your breath on my neck and your smile being the first thing I saw each day. I want your smile to be the first thing I see each day forever._

_Ray, these last two weeks have been the best time of my life, and I don't honestly know how I am going to get through until Christmas without seeing you again. If at any point I manage to get two or three days off consecutively (unlikely I know!) then I'll be on a plane. I've never felt so happy and settled, and… whole before. I can, for the first time ever, see my future stretching ahead of me, and you're in it, and there are our children in it, and good careers, and I'm looking forward to it so much. I can't wait for it all to happen. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love another person, and I will forever._

_It… I don't want to put a dampener on the mood but I feel I have to say this. It wasn't like this when I was with Michael. He was the sort of person that I'd always imagined myself marrying, and we did love each other, or at least, I thought we did, but at the end of the day, neither of us was willing to give up our own ideals for each other, and that's not a marriage. His willingness to leave, my anger at him putting his dreams before me. Not that I resented him that as such, but I gave up the thing that meant most to me in the world for him (that's you, by the way, in case you couldn't figure that one out), and when he went back to Iraq, I realised he wasn't prepared to make the same sacrifice for me. Once I realised that, I think it was always doomed. It was desperately, terribly sad that it ended the way it did, but it was always going to end somehow, and although I will always grieve for Michael as a friend, I think I've stopped grieving for him as a husband. _

_Sorry, on to happier things. I'm looking forward to telling everyone about it. It's a shame we won't be able to tell them together but this is too big a thing to keep quiet now. You're the most important person in my life and I want everyone to know that. I'll let you know what everyone says, I'm sure some of them will want to call you. _

_Oh, we're just starting our descent so I'd better stop writing for now. I feel that there's so many more things I need to say to you, but my mind is blank, well, it's not blank, it's full of thoughts of you and I think I've already proved that I'm not the best at putting this on paper. Instead of rambling, I will keep it to thank you, for such a wonderful, fabulous two weeks, especially last night, and thank your Mum for her hospitality. Know that I will be thinking of you, every moment of every day, and counting the hours until I see you again._

_All my love,_

_Neela xxx_


	24. September 15th Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, I had great fun writing those two and I have to say, I was quite pleased with how they turned out so I was delighted to hear you enjoyed them. And so, onto the next one….

_Baton Rouge_

_September 15__th__ 2007_

_To My Neela_

_Haha, I've had so many phone calls since you told everyone – funny how a good bit of gossip is enough to get people interested in my welfare! Man, that came out bitter, I didn't mean it to sound like that at all, I was only joking. Everyone who called said they hadn't known whether or not to call before, but kinda came to the conclusion I just wanted to be left alone. Which I suppose in a way is right, it certainly was at the beginning. But it was fantastic to hear from them all. Of course, I'd already spoken to Greg and Morris, but yeah, I had a great chat with Sam, and it was good of Chuny and Frank and the others to call. Everyone seems to think it's about damn time that you and I worked this out; that seemed to be the general consensus. _

_Talking to everyone made me feel… I don't know. It's difficult to explain. It was sort of nice to hear them sounding concerned, interested. It reminded me – coming so soon after your visit I think, which reminded me even more – of the good things about Chicago, the things and people I miss. It almost made me want to come back. Almost. I think. I don't know. I don't know what I think. I thought at first, in fact, not just at first, I've always thought that I would never want to work at County again, live in Chicago. I was so sure, but now I have to admit, I am less so. I still think I want to make a new start with you somewhere new, fresh, different, but Chicago doesn't fill me with the same hurt and hate as it did. It's weird that something as simple as just the passing of time does that, isn't it? I always thought that "time is a great healer" thing was a load of bollocks but maybe not. _

_Anyway, what other news do I have for you? PT is going well, I'm doing more and more work with the crutches which is great but it's very hard work, lots of bruises and sore stumps and frustration. It's as tiring as hell and I still need a hot bath every damn night to ease all the aches and pains my in muscles, but I love that I'm getting there. It gives me such a sense of achievement, not to mention the feeling that all the hard work is leading me closer each day to the future with you that I want. _

_If someone had told me this time last year what was in store for me, then… well, I don't know how I would have handled it to be honest, probably not at all well knowing me. I guess you don't know what you are really capable of until something puts you to the test. The PT is like that every day. When I was in the chair all the time, it seemed like just standing would be this distant point on the horizon and it was this impossible hurdle that I had to overcome. Then the prostheses were fitted and I learnt how to stand again, and that barrier was just gone, and it was on to the next one. My whole life sort of seems like that at the moment, a series of goals, all set out one after the other, until finally I get where I want to be. _

_I don't mind the work, but I do wish I had a timescale to steer from, even a really vague one. I think I'm driving them at the rehab center crazy, I keep nagging them but I know it's not that simple. They always say the same, that everyone is different and it's a day by day thing, and even though that's true, I still feel like they're fobbing me off. I know they're not, and I'm being frustrated and impatient and probably a royal pain in the ass, but I don't care. I want to know. I want to know how long I have to wait before I can really get stuck into the life I've been waiting for, with you._

_I miss you every day. It's amazing that in just two weeks I could get so used to you being here, waking up next to you and seeing you smile and just… Just getting the chance to spend time with you again – I've missed that so much since you moved out of the apartment. I've missed just being near you, and I miss it again now. My pillow still smells of that shampoo you use and I guess I really should wash it sometime – and when I say that, naturally I mean get Mom to wash it – but I kind of like it. I can pretend you're still here with me. I know I'm sounding really quite painfully cheesy by now, but what the Hell. I remember after you left the apartment, gradually the smell of you – your shampoo, your perfume, your burnt cooking(!) – began to fade and I hated that as much as anything else. It meant I had to stop pretending._

_I was doing a lot of pretending back then, pretending to you that I was interested in all those other girls, I don't even remember them all now. Pretending I was happy for you with Michael. Pretending to myself that all those other girls were what I wanted, then later, pretending, fooling myself, that sometimes when we would be chilling on the sofa and you would lay your head on my shoulder, or when we were watching a movie you would bury your face in my chest, I would let myself pretend, just for a minute, that you were my girlfriend and that we lived in our own little world, just the two of us. It didn't help, and when it came to it, when I had to stop pretending and tell you how I felt, the night you left, I couldn't do it. I couldn't move it out of my head and into the real world and… well, look what happened. _

_I guess I should have learnt my lesson, but I think I'll keep the pillowcase for a while longer yet. I don't think it can do any harm this time. _

_From what I can make out, Mom is missing having you around almost as much as I am. She doesn't say so – I think she's worried that if she admits that she misses you, it will make me miss you even more, which isn't possible, so she needn't worry – but I know her. As you got to see, I can be a grumpy bastard when I'm having one of my bad days and when you were here, it helped both of us. It helped me because, naturally, having you around cheered me up, and Mom because you were someone to talk to, and I think you understood how it made her feel, seeing me like this. Anyway, she said to say hi, so… hi from her._

_In my last letter, I couldn't begin to tell you… I couldn't find the words… How I felt when you told me you loved me. I just… My heart stopped. I knew you were going to tell me at some point during the time you were here – it was pretty clear from your letters, you came close to saying it a few times, but I'm so glad you waited. That moment was just magic. I remember standing there; I think I was in pain but I couldn't feel it, and seeing you coming towards me from the arrivals gate and I… Then you came close enough to see me, that I was standing, and you smiled the brightest smile I've ever seen from you, and you just kept coming and threw your arms around me and said those words…_

_I'm not sure even now, weeks later, when it should have had enough time to sink in, how to describe what I felt right then, but I think the closest I can come up with is "whole". Not only had all the letters been leading us to that point, I agree with you, everything that we've done so far had led us there and the realisation of that was just… fantastic, the best thing on earth. I love you Neela, I love you in a way that I didn't know existed before you, and that you love me like that too… I'm happy. So damn happy I don't even know how to put it into words. _

_So actually, I'm not going to try, I'm just going to leave it at that and hope you know what I'm trying, and failing miserably, to say. Before I sign off, there is one other thing I wanted to say. Thank you for being so understanding about… you know. Looking back, I can't believe that we didn't, but – damn, I feel like an awkward kid – it wasn't right, not then. When we do, it'll be worth the wait, I'm sure of it. _

_Good luck with work, I hope everything is going well with you now your intern days are over – again! Keep in touch; even if we speak on the phone, keep writing the letters; except for being with you nothing compares to them. _

_Love Ray_

_PS I've told myself not to be such a child and count the days til Christmas, but I'm finding it pretty hard not to. _


	25. 22nd September Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: I can't believe how long it's been since I last updated this story. All I can do is offer you my apologies that I disappeared for so long and a new chapter as a form of recompense. Thank you for the reviews last time round – more please? This probably isn't the best chapter I've ever written, but I wanted to get back in the groove again, and there's nothing to cure writers' block like just writing. And for those of you who kindly have me on author alert and were wondering what the hell I was doing posting a Grey's Anatomy story, well, I have a new TV addiction, but I won't be abandoning my old one – hence why I thought it was time for an update!

_Chicago_

_22__nd__ September 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_Hey my love, how are you? How's things going? I had a great surgery today, I got in on a heart and lung transplant, which was amazing. Absolutely gruelling of course, it went on for hours, but fascinating. And best of all, when I left the hospital at the end of my shift, the patient was in recovery and doing well. _

_I miss being able to share all the little parts of my day with you. I know we have these letters, and I think my phone bill is going to be monstrous this month, but it's not the same as being able to dash across to the roach coach and grab a coffee with you or share a beer with you of an evening. But hey, I've only got to wait til Christmas, right? It seems so far away, but actually you'll be here three months today so I should stop moping and get on with the rest of this letter, shouldn't I?_

_Anyway, I was going to write about the telling everyone bit. I had no idea how to go about it, whether to sort of announce it, or let Morris start the gossip ball rolling, which I know he has been _dying _to do or what. So I asked Pratt what he thought and his advice didn't seem like the worst so I went out and bought coffees and doughnuts all round and stuck them on the admit desk. Predictably, it was like bees round a honeypot – those guys can smell free food a mile off – so as soon as enough people appeared out of the woodwork, I just blurted out where I'd been and that we were together and…_

_God, it was such a relief. I mean, to have it all out in the open and to be able to share it. Everyone was so excited and happy for us Ray, everyone. There wasn't one bad word from anyone. Fortunately Katey wasn't there when I made my little announcement, else there might have been! But in all seriousness, I didn't realise people cared so much, and not in a nosy, gossipy way. Just, pleased for us. _

_And, I have to say, an astonishing number of them had money on it! Frank was running a book, has been for three years apparently. I can't decide whether to be offended or amused but I think given that the real winner in all this is me I'll settle on the side of amused. Plus Chuny won the pot and we all went to Ike's on the winnings and got slaughtered so I'm not going to complain._

_I wish I was back there with you though. I've never felt as at home anywhere as with you and your Mum. And if I was there after your PT sessions, you wouldn't be needing any hot baths to ease the pain, it would be massages all the way, I promise!_

_It was interesting to hear what you said about Chicago, how you felt about coming back. It surprised me, but I'm glad that you're thinking about it. I think we need a new start too, but I think you need to make your peace with Chicago before we can move on. I need to as well, but I think I'm getting there. I can walk down the street, walk through the corridors of the hospital – I even walked down the street where our apartment was on – and not hate the place, hate my life here, hate myself. _

_I can now see Chicago as being a place which changed me utterly, made me stronger, and most important of all, gave me you. How could I ever hate something that gave me you? The answer is, I couldn't, and that's how I think I've made my peace. I know you have a much bigger peace to make than I have, but it's here, you'll find it, I know you're strong enough to. _

_For what it's worth, I pretended too. I wasn't pretending to love Michael, but I was pretending that everything was okay. I was pretending that I didn't feel anything for you. I was pretending that burying my head in the sand was going to be the magical solution to my problems. I was pretending when I pushed you away. But no more pretending, not ever again. I love you Ray. And that's my peace._

_I know I'm signing off on a much shorter letter than I normally manage, but I'm starting an ortho rotation next week (yeah, should be interesting, don't you think?) and I want to do some reading up on it. I have no idea what surgical speciality I want to aim at, or even if I want one – I'm more than happy with general surgery at the moment – but I want to impress as much as I can on every rotation just in case. _

_Send your Mum my love, and take care of yourself. Call me anytime._

_All my love,_

_Neela xxx_


	26. October 3rd Baton Rouge

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Wow, so many reviews for the last chapter, so great to hear from you all again. Obviously it wouldn't have been so long since you last reviewed if it hadn't been so long since I lasted updated! But anyway, I want to move this story along a little, so from now on, the letters will be much further between but I do have a sort of storyline that I am meandering along and it's time to speed things up from a gentle Sunday afternoon amble to a it's Monday morning and I'm late for work sort of a speed I feel. Oh, and for the sake of accuracy, do we know when Ray and Neela's birthdays are meant to be? No doubt if I make it up and get it wrong, I will be corrected, so it would be nice to get it right from the outset.

_Baton Rouge_

_October 3__rd__ 2007_

_To My Neela_

_Now we're on the phone to each other every day, this whole letter writing thing seems kind of redundant now, but I thought it was about time the postman brightened your day by bringing you something other than junk mail or a bill so I decided to put pen to paper. _

_Before I forget (because if I don't say it now it's bound to slip my mind completely) it's my Mom's birthday a week on Tuesday. I don't mean by that you have to get her a present or anything like that, but I know you'll want to send her a card and that I'd be in serious trouble if I didn't tell you, so now you know. We're not planning on doing anything, I don't remember her ever celebrating it, we never made a thing of birthdays, but I thought I might cook her some dinner. I might even do the washing up if I'm really in the giving spirit!!_

_I was speaking to Pratt the other day, sounds like things are looking good for him and Betina. I don't think I'd go all the way to "loved up", which I feel may be pushing it given that it's Greg, but it sounded like he was pretty serious about the whole thing. I don't think I remember her; she's a radiologist isn't she? What's she like? Is there any other gossip going on at the moment? I do feel out of it down here, it's nice to hear all about it again. Oh, and while I'm on the subject of other people, how's Abby doing? Better, worse or whatever?_

_Yesterday afternoon, I was at the hospital for a check-up (rather than my rehab center) – nothing out of the ordinary, just a routine exam, and sort of by accident really, I wasn't thinking, I put out a few feelers about good places to look for a residency. I ended up talking to the ortho residency director and he seemed to think it shouldn't be a problem finding something in any decent sized city. I guess you always need doctors, right? I started to think about cities and stuff, but I don't know. Part of me genuinely does want to come back to County, but I don't think it would be good for us. Too much history, and after all our resolutions to look to the future, why take a step back? But anyway, there's still time. It's still going to be another six months at the very least before I can start thinking about taking shifts again, and even then I'd have to have a pretty easy schedule to start off with._

_What you were saying about making my peace with it though kinda made sense. I've actually faced some demons from my past here, with my family and stuff, and it's brought me a hell of a lot further forward in my life and done me a lot of good, so I know I have to do the same with these last couple of years as well. And you're right, it needs to be done in Chicago, it's just… Well, I hate to admit it, but it does scare me a bit. It'll be okay, I've got you, and together we can work through it, but… Demons are meant to be frightening, but I refuse to live in the shadow of everything that's happened. I lived in the shadow of my family history for so long, and it's not until now I'm coming out of the other side of it that I realised how much it bothered me. So yes, I know what I have to do, and I will come back to Chicago to do it. But it'll be temporary. Like I said, it would be a step back if it was permanent, but sometimes you have to take a step back before you can go forward. And I wish all this metaphory crap didn't use the word step. It makes it even more metaphory. And more crap!_

_I've been talking to Bret as well, about a trip to L.A. Apparently my company alone is not sufficient for him, he's demanding you come too. I was thinking about spending a few weeks out there, maybe in the spring, and I know you wouldn't be able to get much time off, but you'll be an R2 by then so hopefully you'll be allowed a few days off to join us for a long weekend or something. What do you think? Don't throw up your hands and say no straight away, it'll be fun, I promise. _

_And don't you roll your eyes at me either, I know what you're thinking. It will be the right amount of fun, the sort of fun that you will like, not the ending up in a police cell overnight to sober up, wearing excessive amounts of black make-up or getting random tattoos sort of fun. We'll save that for the guys-only bit!! Joking. Ish. _

_How's the hockey training going? I still _cannot _believe they are making you play hockey. I mean, you. Sorry, I'm not laughing (much) but you still think hockey is played on grass, wearing no protection beyond a gumshield and a couple of magazines stuffed down your socks. Man, I would love to see you in training. In fact, I'd pay very good money for it. Haha, I bet you're looking around for something to throw at me now, aren't you? At the very least, your hand has curled into a fist so you can ineffectually but oh so cutely punch me on the arm, right?_

_I'm going to pay for that paragraph at Christmas, aren't I? Ah well, it will be worth it. And on the subject of Christmas; soon, hey? Less than three months now. I know you're going to be busy and all, but how early can I arrive? (Sounding a little keen there, Barnett!) I was thinking of maybe staying for a while, if you'll have me. Mom will only really be able to come up over Christmas itself, but I don't have any commitments except you of course, and rehab, but I can work on that in Chicago, so I was wondering if I could stay for… a month maybe? Or is that too much? Tell me not to be stupid if you want, but I thought it would be kind of nice. I know we did provisionally agree December 22__nd__, but I just can't wait that long, so let me know, and I'll get on with booking tickets and boring stuff like that. _

_Anyway, I'm sure I'll be talking to you tonight so I'll stop rambling on now. Hope to get a letter back from you when you've got a spare minute, but in the meantime, I'm looking forward to hearing your voice._

_Lots of Love_

_Ray_


	27. 10th October Chicago

Disclaimer: As before

Disclaimer: As before

Author's Note: Another update again, I hear you ask? Three within a couple of weeks? It must be sort of miracle. Yeah, I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to roll with it for as long as it lasts! Thank you for the reviews for the last chapter, of course. Always good to hear from you.

_Chicago_

_10__th__ October 2007_

_Dear Ray_

_I don't care how often we speak to each other on the phone, nothing quite compares to these letters. Please keep writing them, even if we have nothing to say… not that I can imagine we'll ever end up with nothing to say to each other. Whatever happens, that will not be how our story ends. And it's always good to get a change from a bill in the post. _

_Oh, and thank you for the reminder about your Mum's birthday. I'll put a card in the post and arrange for some flowers to be sent to her – is there anything in particular she likes? I've always loved lilies, but I know some people don't like the whole death association so I never like to give them without checking that I'm not going to offend. And you make sure you cook something fantastic for her and spoil her all day – if I hear she had to do the bloody washing up on her own birthday, there'll be trouble Ray Barnett!_

_And on the subject of trouble… Hockey. Not amused, Ray. I am not even a little bit amused. I will have you know that I am in fact showing excellent promise at ice hockey. Of course, I still think it's absolutely crazy playing hockey on ice and I genuinely believe it should be played on grass (although we do actually have shinpads in the UK you know) but actually, I'm kind of enjoying it. I think it's bringing out my aggressive side – you had better watch out. I'm building up quite a few muscles you know, you might find my punches aren't as "ineffectual" as you think. _

_You were asking about Bettina. She's nice, I like her. I can't say I know her all that well, but she's down to earth, friendly, definitely Greg's type, expect she doesn't take any of his crap which is definitely a good thing. They seem a good match for each other, and it's great for them, but it's funny to see Greg all… well, I'm not going to use loved up either, it's just not him, but you know what I mean. Settled is what I guess I mean. It looks… good. I'm looking forward to that for us. _

_As for Abby, I don't know. She won't talk to me, I don't think she's talking to anyone. She looks pretty strung out all the time and, well, it's not good. Luka has left County for good, not just as Chief. There's a rumour that he's working at a hospice of some sort, but no-one really knows because obviously he's not around, and like I say, Abby's not talking. I think I'd go out of my mind working in a hospice, I think it takes a certain kind of person to be able to do that. It takes caring to a whole new level, because let's face it, we might work our fingers to the bone to help people, but at the end of the day, we get to save lives, and what bigger ego boost is that? There are people walking around today because of what we do. To care for someone on the path to death, where you know there's no chance for deviation in the route would just be… I don't know, but I couldn't do it. _

_To move onto a completely and utterly different point, I know I said on the phone I wasn't sure about L.A., that you and Bret probably needed to do your boys' thing by yourselves, but what the hell, I want in. I'll be able to work my shifts nearer the time to get a long weekend, so let me know a date and I'll book a flight. Just don't think for a minute I will be either painting my fingernails black, trashing any hotel rooms, or getting a tattoo. I daresay I will be wearing eyeliner, but I won't be going anywhere with you if you're wearing it. Understood? Now we're straight on that point, ohh, I'm so excited. It already seems like forever ago since I was down there in Baton Rouge with you, and I know we have Christmas before that, but L.A. will be a holiday, a real holiday for both of us. God, I can't wait. _

_I don't know about Christmas. I mean, I'd love for you to be here, but… a month? This is going to sound like the most stupid, and probably most cowardly thing in the world, but is that going to be too real? I mean, visiting you was fantastic, and having you stay here will be fantastic, but what I'm really trying to say is that although everything for us is going swimmingly at the moment, would that be pushing ourselves too far? What happens if you've had a really difficult day (because I'm guessing that coming back here isn't going to be easy for you) and I come home from work and I've lost a patient, and we have some stupid fight because we're trying to do too much too soon._

_I couldn't bear for that to happen. I know we will have arguments, and this isn't going to be all plain sailing, but I'm not sure we should go launching ourselves at it. What do you think? Can we handle it? Believe me, it's not that I wouldn't welcome you with open arms, I really would, but I think we need to think about this a bit first. _

_God, I hope I haven't offended you or upset you or made you doubt me or anything by saying that. I swear that wasn't my intention. I just really felt I needed to say it, that one of us needed to say it. I'm not trying to backtrack, I guess I'm just being cautious. Maybe overly cautious, I don't know, but hey, I'm good at cautious. _

_And also, won't you be a bit bored if you're here for so long. I'll have to work, it won't be easy for us to spend much time together, and I don't want you to upset your rehab regime._

_Oh, crap, Shirley's just paged me, I'm needed at work, there's a shift that needs to be covered. I'll have to go, but we'll talk about this soon okay? I'm not saying no, it would be great to have you here for as long as a month, so we'll see._

_Lots of Love,_

_Neela xxx_


	28. 24th May New York

Author's Note: I'm sorry it's been so, so long since I last updated this story

Author's Note: I'm sorry it's been so, so long since I last updated this story. I never meant to leave it on such a hiatus, but after the last chapter, I suddenly found there was nothing else for them to write to each other in these letters. Of course, there is in a way, but they seem to have journeyed together through their writing and worked through what they needed to say to each other, so instead of dragging things out, I'm going to leave them on the cusp of planning to spend their first Christmas together. This is the last letter, and I've had it planned from the very beginning so I thought it would be a shame for you not to see it.

Disclaimer: As before. The poem, as I am sure you will all know, is the one used in "I Don't" and is by EE Cummings.

_Our Kitchen (New York)_

_24__th__ May 2014_

_To My Darling Ray_

_Yes, I know, a letter. God, it's been a long time since I've written one. Do you remember when you were in Baton Rouge and I was in Chicago and we used to write to each other all the time? I was clearing out the cupboard in the spare room earlier and I found them all in an old shoebox and it reminded me of the way I used to feel when I saw an envelope with your handwriting on it lying on the doormat… Like… a warm feeling spreading all the way through me, no matter how cold it was outside. Oh, and I couldn't stop smiling either. _

_After I sent a letter, I used to wonder how long I would have to wait for you to reply, and I would rush home from work just so I could check my post. I was so lost; hearing from you was the only thing that kept me connected to the real world I think. _

_So anyway, I started thinking about it, and I thought of all the things back then that we needed to say but found it too hard to vocalise and so we wrote them down instead. Well, we've come such a very long way since then but that's given me a whole new set of things that I need to say to you._

_There have been a lot of times in my life that I have been unsure of myself, of who I was or what I was doing or where I was going; in fact, I think I was _never _sure of myself, until I was with you. You _made _me sure of myself. I know there were times, that we have talked about over and over, when I didn't act like I was sure, but deep down, I always knew. You are the one for me. You make me happier than I knew was even possible. Every day I wake up and am thankful that we are together. _

_It's been hard though, hasn't it? That first Christmas, when you came to visit, I don't… I was so scared that we weren't going to make it, that all the hurt and pain and loss were going to be in vain. The arguments… Looking back, I suppose they were inevitable, we were two different people than we had been before and we had to discover and adapt to new things, things that were very different than they had been before. We had to work hard, but it was worth it._

_I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire you for what you've achieved. I know how many long and painful hours and years of rehab, PT, exercise it has taken for you to walk again. I know what it has cost you, physically, emotionally. Just in case I don't say it often enough, I am so, so proud of you. You're my hero, my inspiration, my everything. _

_I'm glad we decided on New York, I love it here (and now Abby and Luka are up in Boston, it couldn't be better). I never thought I could feel as at home anywhere as I ended up feeling at County, but I was wrong. Home for me is you, and always will be. Wherever you are, that's where I want to be also. And as for this city, well, it's exciting and even though we've been living here for five years now, I still feel like there is more to discover, explore, enjoy. Like us. _

_I don't know what else I can say to you that can let you know just how much you mean to me. I love you Ray, I've loved you since before I met you, and I'll carry on loving you until long after I die. I was never sure I believed in soul mates, but knowing you, loving you, has proved to me otherwise. You make me whole. To steal Abby's words from a fateful night many years ago now, I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart… For you are my fate my sweet, I want no world, for beautiful, you are my world… I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart. _

_Damn, I wanted to write so much more but the twins are fighting and they've set Maddie off crying – I'd better go to her. _

_I can't wait for you to come home from your shift and find this letter, then walk through the house until you find me. I'll be in the nursery, sitting by the crib. I can't wait for you to stop in the doorway and smile that beautiful smile of yours. I cannot wait for you to walk over to me and to offer me your hand and gently help me to my feet. We will dance, slowly, softly, sweetly, to the sound of Maddie's mobile as it turns above her crib. And I can't wait for when you lead me through to our bedroom and light a candle, and make love to me all night in its golden glow. _

_I can't wait for the rest of our lives together, for the birthdays and anniversaries that are yet to come. To see our children grow up, graduate, marry. To grow old with you. I can't wait for all of it. _

_With all the love that I have in the world_

_Your wife,_

_Neela x_


End file.
